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POPCORN!~GET YOUR POPCORN HERE!~  I closed and pretty much crushed my left hand in the garage door yesterday. It hurts horribly :( I still cant totally feel in my fingertips too. At least its not bruising...yet. And god I hope I dont loose three of my fingernails...that would major league suck I am still a little sick but its not too bad. Zack got pretty sick from me I guess. I felt so bad. This morning he was in terrible shape. Go figure...I spend a week sick and as soon as I'm on the upswing he gets it. Le sigh. Well, the good news is I have a ton of leftover tissues and medicine that he can use if he wants. Too bad he hates chicken soup lol Magic Game tonight! No idea what I'm doing. No one has said if they are all watching it somewhere. Zack and I had talked of going to Kissimmee to spend a night in the condo but we're thinking not now...he's really sick. We were also thinking of finding a wing special somewhere and watching the game but iono anymore. I havent heard anything from Danny or Daniel or anyone about watching the game anywhere either...not like I'm really included in that anyway. Have I mentioned that I totally feel on the outside? Whatever... At any rate, I was going to write alot. But I suddenly dont feel like it. All I want is a brownie...or a chocolate chip cookie. Or something. So remember how I was getting all paranoid about time with Zack and such? Well this weekend we spent all day Friday and Saturday together, and it was amazing and refreshing and now I don't feel so bad at all. I guess the point I was missing was that he misses me too and he feels it too, he just shows it differently. So on Thursday night when he got home here around 12 we watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. Ok...lets be realistic, he watched the first HALF, but at least he was with me on the couch, even if he was drooling and unconscious throughout the second half. BUT when I woke him up to go to sleep in my room he let me tell him all about George and Izzie and laughed at how frantic I was to start NEXT season in fall....So hooray for that =D Then Saturday he woke up early with me when the exterminator came. He helped me move all my furniture and made fun of how much crap is UNDER my bed and in my closet. And then he helped me straighten up and clean the house post exterminator. And he calmed me down through the whole ordeal ... we have a HUGE ant problem....they have built a huge nest ALL AROUND the house. AND we have termite nests all around the house too, tho they havent quite got in yet. I have ALOT of yard work I need to get done. And the exterminator looks strikingly like Danny lol but he was super friendly and tho we still have some ants, its not nearly as bad. So after that whole ordeal was over Zack and I went to Mall at Millenia and just walked around. He bought me Chinese food so I bought him Mrs. Fields cookies lol. He tolerated my clothes shopping and then we had fun playing around in Brookstone and the Apple Store. We were there for a good four hours...AND i didnt buy anything! Be proud...I'm broke and have credit cards...a combination that could get one in trouble...but I am THAT good :P Then we went over to Al's to watch the game. I felt bad cuz Daniel seemed to invite me right after Al did...and I really miss Daniel and everyone...but I kinda feel like that whole group is moving on without me anyway. They hang out ALOT, even just down the road, and I never get an invite. Even tho I'm always there for them, and nice to them...its a bad situation and it hurts me...but I'll get to that sorta stuff later...right now I'm in the happy stuff :P. But we watched the game, drank wine, and had a good time, even if the Magic lost in the last second...literally. Then Zack and I went back to my house and drank more wine and cuddled and watched food network and talked for a bit. And for once....I PASSED OUT before him....(muahahaha a tiny victory for me lol) Sunday we woke up fairly early and just hung out in my room for a bit, and then we went to Flea World in Sanford for a good portion of the day. Just looked around, talked alot about his friend Kevin's upcoming visit and what kinda stuff Zack should entertain him with, and then we went to Fun world....and played mini golf and rode go karts. It was a really good time =) We came back to my house after and cooked Hamburger Helper, made mashed potatoes, and ate pie. We watched Night at the Museum (I really liked it) and then played some Super Nintendo...FINALLY something I could kick Zack's butt in :P Then we went to bed early because he had to get up and shower and go to work in Magic Kingdom by 8:30, so he gets up at 6:15 to shower and guess what? My bathroom is locked...again. OH and btw this is where the happy entry goes to an annoyed entry. So he had to rush and leave to go to his dorm to shower and I cant sleep now because I'm worried he wont get to work on time because of this.... So it should be no surprise that Cristina is once again treating me like a door mat. She had to leave before the exterminator so I called her afterward to let her know everything he had said to do with the house in the upcoming few days right after treatment. And she pretty much cut me off because she was busy...which I totally understand because she was in the middle of something but if I had been, say, Michelle Toro, I'm sure she would have been alot more friendly... And that was the last time she has talked and been even semi friendly to me in days. She didnt speak to me at ALL that night...granted we didnt really have a chance to but then all day yesterday we didnt talk as well. And I didnt really let it bother me because I was busy, she was busy, whatever. But then last night I'm in the kitchen cleaning all the pans we had used and she just walks right past me and out the door. No hi or wave or anything. And I just feel like that is rude, you know? So I texted her and asked her if everything was alright because usually firneds at LEAST greet one another when they are leaving...but not me. Its the same as the other night when everyone went to Pat O's and NO ONE invited me and I was coming home when she was leaving. So I dont know what I've done. But Cristina treats me like shes been treating Melissa and I have no idea why. Shes friendly to me if I corner her, or if she needs some KKPsi stuff, but if its effort on her part I get NOTHING. And Daniel has been like ignoring me as well. I try so hard to be friends to them but its like I'm nothing at all. Danny doesnt talk to me really either...and I'm his little. They all went over to Dannys the other night and partied and hung out and I was DOWN THE STREET and no one invited me. So do they not like Zack? Or do they not like me because I'm "happy" now? They invite Dan...but not me... and they invited Dan and myself to things together RIGHT AFTER our breakup when I was still a wreck. So do the math? I know I'm not a perfect angel, but I honestly am always friendly. I supply alcohol nad food so I'm no moocher. Im not a wallflower, I have fun and everyone seems to like me. But no one thinks of me, or remembers me. And its just that group of friends. Alll my other friends everywhere else treat me great. I dont know where I would be without Kara, or Ali, or Jenn, or Ashley....they all want to hang out and do fun things. And I love them all and am so happy with them all. =D And Carolyn and Zack both see what Cristina does to me and they are fully on my side. So I guess I just need to figure out how to make my heart stop caring about her because she really does not seem to care about me at all...Yet she Loves Michelle Toro and Dan Jones...but what about the girl who lives down the hall who has always had reports done on time, who has helped her out whenever possible, and who is ALWAYS willing to lend a hand in anything? So right now, what I'm the most annoyed about is the bathroom. Andthe fact that I'm up at 7 because I had to WAIT to pee for a ridiculous length of time because my bathroom was locked and Carolyn was getting ready for work in her own. And frankly I'mnot gonna pop a squat outside. AND the fact that Zack slept here because I wanted to sleep in my bed all day today (no plans) and HE might be late to work because he had to drive home to get ready. And this isnt the first time this has happened...and she never apologizes. And I'm not mean enough to bang on her door and wake her up or to leave a nasty note. Because I know in my heart, if I dont that, shell just treat me worse than she already does. And I am horrible at confrontations. But I am super annoyed because I want to pee on my toilet and brush my teeth and brush my hair and I cant get in and who knows how long she will decide to sleep in. =( Le sigh... Oh and Annemarie...I know this entry looks like I spent ALL My time with Zack...which I did. But we did that because he worked ALL last week and then today and tomorrow...then his friend is visiting for a week and he has a bunch of College Democrat stuff to do so we wont see eachother. But I'm making plans with people because you were right about pining all my happiness on one person :P And thanks to everyone who gave me encouragement about being so pissy in my last few entries. I was totally PMSing..the week AFTER my period but whatever lol. I'm alot happier now because I got school under control and work still isnt giving me hours so I have time to chill lol Anyway I guess I'm gonna lay down and try to sleep some more...And maybe think of how to be aggressive and let Cristina know how upset I am at her...and not totally make our friendship suck more than it already does :( I feel empty and discontent. And sad. And I want to write about it but at the same time I don't. Life isnt perfect, even though we all wish it will be. I'm so confused about classes and graduating. I'm signed up for Five classes and debating dropping a combination of two. I got into a wine class for summer A, meaning I could drop the wine class in summer B and that will give me concentration on my Managerial accounting class...but I'm ALREADY way behind on the summer A wine class. Plus I dont have oen of the pre-reqs but by some slip I still got enrolled. Michelle Toro is in that class, as well as my current Bev Mgmt class (which I love) and both have the same teacher...and its all convenient. Takes up about 8 hours of my Tuesday Thursday INCLUDING driving to UCF and catching the shuttle. As opposed to Summer B with a 10 am and a 6pm class. And my internship is shaky...I dont know if I will get close to the 16 hour a week limit that I want, I guess I will have to ask my manager. And I need to call Thomas Barr...and I need to work on a resume since mine is ... nonexistant. And I need a new job because after I pay all my bills and get my $300 for next month I will have about $60 to spend on myself...no bueno. And I dont get a paycheck this week because of retreat and the failed Destin trip (I took off) two weeks back - and last week I got about 10 hours, this one 6 (which I already worked so I'm looking to PICK UP shifts lol) I'm just tired of worrying about money and being broke all the time. I hate having to look for the least expensive food item on a menu and worrying about credit cards and bills ... now three cards and a cell phone. On the up side, my credit is fantastic - on the low I'm pretty sure I'm getting stomach ulcers And I'm tired of roommate stuff and feeling like I'm worthless. Cristina hasnt talked to me in days. I saw her last night and asked how she was, to which she said "im good" and walked right by me. No "how are you," "no how have you been," no "what have you been up to." - and it makes me feel horrible. I try so hard to be a good friend and I'm walked all over. And Kimmy never calls and barely texts, and when I text first I feel like I'm just bugging her. She doesnt continue any conversation and it makes me feel like she doesnt even care about me :( And stuff with Zack is perfect and not perfect. He opens my car door ALL the time, even when we are going to different cars and they are parked at different spots on the cul de sac or parking garage...AND he opens it even when IM driving. And he always meets me when I go to the Towers at night because he doesnt want me walking the whole way alone. He doesnt want me running at night and he always tells me to call if creepy guys are walking when I'm crossing memory mall on the way to his dorm. He isnt controlling with it at all, he just genuinely doesnt want me to get hurt, cuz he gets noticed about all the rapings and stuff from "good morning ucf." He also drives me to my car on the mornings I leave for work or to catch the shuttle, even though he could stay in bed - he does it just so I dont have to walk the extra, or get wet in the rain, etc. And he alwasy sends me sweet texts and makes me feel important. But lately he works so much, and I work so little and have school and we NEVER see eachother. We sleep together...and by that I mean he falls out of consciousness within two minutes of getting to my house. All the time. Not just once in a while. And it makes me feel kinda like I dont matter at all - we dont talk at all, and i can never sleep at night because I wish we would talk, laugh, joke, have fun. And iono...it makes it harder for me to sleep because I lay down feeling all sad and lonely. I dont know if I'm just being stupid...and he says we WILL have itme...weekends and stuff. But this weekend we happen to have free - but I normally work on weekends and so does he. And he got asked to be the President of the College Democrats (.....and guess whose Republican...) and that would lead to working a paid position on the Meek campaign for senator. But guess how much time I'll get to see him? Even less than now. I dont see how he can do that, be a MK staff and do ALL the game day stuff, AND take classes. And he has KKPsi and his Disney job and the marketing promotions things that he does. I feel like I have a right to be worried. Because life likes kicking me when I'm down. I had such a bad day yesterday...EVERYTHING went wrong. And all I wanted was a little bit of comfort and talking and stuff from my boyfriend. And all he could do was sleep. Maybe I'm selfish, but I just feel blah. I never ask for much, I really dont. Its not as bad as it seems, probably. I'm just super sad right at this minute. I'm having a few health things here and there...my knee and hip are in shambles as well as a few other things. And I just want some good luck Zack picked up a shift tonight so I wont see him AT ALL again today. And by the time he gets home he will probably pass out and sleep most of Friday. :/ I just kinda wish that he would want to spend even five minutes laying down and just talking about anyting. Just so I felt like more than a pillow... I'm in such a bad mood So today Carolyn graduated. And I had to admit I was jealous at how much fussing everyone did all over an AA. I chose to leave community college and go to a harder school and I feel like shes getting rewarded for taking an easier path. Iono. I was also annoyed at the whole missing Destin with Zack thing and I am ashamed to say I got really bitchy at everyone when I found out that Ian and his family were eating dinner with my whole family. After the huge deal that was made out of me not being there for Carolyn, I felt like I was just giong to be the seventh wheel to the happy family sorta outing. Turns out Ians car is REALLY effed up and him and his parents left to go back to Naples before dinner and it was just the four of us...but at any rate I felt like a bitch for complaining about it. I know I pissed Carolyn off and that made me sad. I didnt want to ruin the day for her, I just felt like life shortchanged me sorta. This is the thing. My whole life I feel like my parents "click" with carolyns friends and/or boyfriends parents. The Monroes, the Georges, Nick's parents and now Ians parents, and of course the Dwyers. They woudlnt go over and meet Dan's parents during tailgating a few seasons ago because they were drinking and BBQing with the Dwyers. They woudlnt meet Ali's parents because they were busy with the Dwyers again. They always invtied the Monroes over for FAMILY holidays like Thanksgiving and Easter. I just sorta feel lke they never made that effort with say the Horaces, and I dont think they have met ANY of my boyfriends parents...except for Will's Mom once or twice and I think she met Zak McCloskey's parents but totally forgot it and the second time they ran into them at a band function they didnt even remember them. It was so awkward. And that was part of why I was so mad. Maybe it is a little green eyed monster that I have...this jealousy thing...but I feel like everything is handed to Carolyn. I know I have gone through this, the ins and outs of it, already. I just wish they understood what it feels like. Neither of them went to college and when I was applying I had no clue. Didn't know much about scholarships. Didn't know how important it was to KNOW what I wanted to do with my life. Didn't know life management, with a job and money and responsibilities. Carolyn has gotten that. And when my parents reminded me how expensive my education was in comparison to hers today I had to remind them of those things. Deep down I know they are disappointed in me that I did not graduate myself today from UCF. It knda hurts to be in this position but I know its true. I went through high school wanting to major in music ed and planned on being a band director and coaching track and cross country - or at least assistant coaching. Then senior year hits, followed real quick by a horrible decision to go to UCF and give up my running scholarship at UCF because I wanted to stay with Will, and along with CFCC hit the REALITY that real life entails. And after that, when I got to UCF, I realized that I didnt love music the same way anymore. Sure I love marching band, and certain concert band pieces....but the complexities of music and improv and all the theory and history was not my passion. And so, with that passion lacking, how could I make it through the music program? And how could I mould young minds when my heart wasnt in it. So I switched to Psychology, which I LOVED studying, and still love studying...but I got to the senior year and realized I didn't have the confidence to make it through the masters and doctorate programs needed to become a therapist. And really, I felt like if I couldnt answer my OWN life questions, how am I going to guide a hopeless and lost person to the right decision? So hospitality became me. And I dont love that still. I just am getting through to get that damn piece of paper What do I love? Cakes. I want to be a cake decorator. I want to go to culinary school....or pastry school. I want to learn to sculpt and mold and roll out and smooth fontant and become a wedding cake designer. I want to make my own wedding cake someday. I want to make brides cry. I want to create cakes that will make sweet sixteens smile, and anniversaries sparkle, and I want to make edible memories. I want to be a charm city cakes sorta girl...I want to be good like those cakes i see on food network. And if not that, let me make pastries. And hundreds of loaves of bread. Or let me be a caterer, or let me work in a restaurant. Let me create and let flavors flow. Because I used to cook with little legos in a fake pot in my fisher price kitchen as a baby. Because I could watch Emeril all day long. And because I just feel comfortable with a chef knife and an onion. On another note, I want to run right now. Its quarter to 11 at night and the air outside smells wonderful and I want to run until I cant feel my legs anymore. I really do. I want to be a midnight runner, just chasing the stars and the lightning bugs. I wish there was a safe park around here, with tall grass and flowers that I could run in by moonlight. The air smells so nice I miss Zack alot. He needs to hurry up and get back...it needs to be Monday afternoon so I can hold him again. Because the air tonight is nice and I would love to go for a walk on campus by the fountain, and past all our secret places tonight. We have all these secret parking lots, and areas, where we would sneak away to hug for hours, or kiss (I will always love the parking lot by Millican, under a tree, because thats where I got the most perfect and wonderful and breathtaking first kiss of my life), or just hold eachother. Ug...make him come back He keeps sending me silly drunken texts. He's at a wedding and he sees the bride and groom happy together and it makes him miss me. And his best friend/cousin is with him and her bf just broke up with her over the phone and it makes him miss me. And he see they are drinking Asti and it makes him think of me. And its all so sweet and amazing and I know its the "honeymoon" second month of dating and I know it may and probably will end but I hope it lasts forever It's the way that you blush when you're nervous. It's your ability to make me earn this. I know that you're tired, just let me sing you to sleep. It's about how you laugh out of pity, 'Cause lets be honest I'm not really that funny. I know that you're shy, just let me sing you to sleep. If you need anything, just the say the word. I mean anything. Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in, Plant my lips where your necklace is close. It's those pills that you don't need to take, medicating perfection, now that's a mistake. I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep. It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it. It's your grace and it keeps me grounded. I know that you're weak, just let me sing you to sleep. If you need anything, just the say the word. I mean anything. Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in, Plant my lips where your necklace is close. While you were sleeping I figured out everything, I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me. Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins. You shine so bright it's insane, you put the sun to shame. (Oh) If you need anything, just the say the word. I mean anything. (I really do) Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in, Plant my lips where your necklace is close. If you need anything, just the say the word. I mean anything. Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in, Plant my lips where your necklace is close. Current music: The Spill Canvas - Lullaby. I am not feeling bitter today, so this entry should be much more pleasant than most, as the trend seems so far. I guess I was just in a bad mood yesterday about the whole feeling left out and taken for granted, but after talking to my mom about it, and after a very sweet phone call from Zack last night, I feel alot better. Plus Al left me a message, Kara gave me lots of encouragement with the promise of soon to come Disney movies and Dan said thanks for putting up the tent. It meant alot to me that my entry was read and that people understand how I feel and where I am coming from. So I have a pretty busy day today: -Do laundry and clean up room/pack for Kissemmee tonight (just PJs and an outfit for the morning) -Shower and put in new contacts (I'm totally wearing my glasses at the moment...a very rare sight for all who know me) -Tag those photos of myself that Chris Burke was nice enough to put up for me -Call my mom about paying for summer classes, also text Chris and ask if he can meet me to give me shirt money -Email Metropolis and ask what the smallest number tshirt order they will do is/Get through KKPsi's own list of things to do (...yes I have many lists) and go through all emails and take care of important ones (mostly concernign KKPsi and UCF/Rosen stuff) -Straighten hair and get out of PJs -Go to campus: Get money from Chris, pick up paycheck from Subway, get checks signed by E, sell back textbooks, deposit money at credit union -Go to Bank of America and deposit check -Message Dan McGowan and see if he wants to hang out/update checkbook -Add and tag all pictures from camera (because I am REALLY bad at keeping this updated) -Paint toenails and nails....because they currently look HORRIBLE -Defrag computer and try and figure out why it is being so slow lately -Write out all phone number that have so far, go to Verizon (if time get eyebrows plucked too) -Call Bank of America and cancel credit cards that to not use anymore -Clean up kitchen...mostly clean OUT fridge and freezer and organize -Organize desk area, above desk area, and all stuff on ground by desk (its growing) -Clean bathroom (try not to mess up nails) -Clean out turtle tank -Work on Resume, apply to a bunch of places -Print out more pictures for frames (take new ones from facebook and get frame for Zack's pictures) -Look up and price culinary schools - dream a little bit about the future -Register with Promotions companies that Zack was talking about....might have to wait for Zack to be back to kinda guide me through it all Yup thats my day...pretty busy. And I'll honestly be happy if I get through defragging my own computer. But I have nothing planned for the whole day, except for hopefully seeing Dan McGowan at some point. I miss that kid something awful On a funnier note I found a HILARIOUS video...its basically a girls version of I Jizzed in my pants except its I puke in my mouth...talking about gross guys that hit on us in clubs and such. I can't find the link right now and am too lazy to look it up any further so just go to you tube or something and type in "Puke in my mouth" - I guarentee that its hilarious! well thats pretty much it world. much love to you. and yay for a not so mean post! I am tired. I am drained. I am mentally exhausted and do not know what to do anymore. Do you ever feel like you get totally taken for granted? I know I'm not perfect, and I know I make mistakes and that I leave people out. But I like to think of myself as one of the few who really do try and be nice to everyone, thank everyone, help everyone feel like they have a good friend, listener, and are important to someone. I mean, its obvious that i will go to greater lengths for those that I am closer to than for those that I barely know, but if someone I dont know well needs someone, I will do my best, even if its just a little piece of their life story that I need to listen to and sympathize with... I dont know, I just feel like sometimes I'm completely taken for granted by a certain few people that I give over 110% for, and I'm getting to a piont where I just want to give up on them. Cristina is one of those people. I mean, I try so hard for her. Every time I go to waterford or target or to someplace she likes to go, I invite her. We ride together to events even when its an inconvenience to me. I go out of my way to make sure the bathroom is free if she needs to shower nad get to class or a degree before me, I make sure I ask her before I use her stuff every time. Today I even took my comforter out of the dryer a little earlier than I woul dhave liked so she could start drying her clothes because I felt bad that it was taking so long to dry. And for what? Nothing. Not even a thank you or a "goodbye" as she left the house. She acts like I'm not even home half of the time. Do you know that I set up her tent for her at retreat? Her and Jason were getting there late and since she had said I could ride back to Orlando with them (since Zack and Jarred left straight from camp) I decided to be nice and set up there tent in a good spot. I didn't even get a thank you for that. And whats more, Dan rode with them and got my spot in the car for the ride back. Granted he didnt know that, but still. I didn't even get an apology for that. And MY silverware was taken on retreat, not anyone elses but my fun colorful set (what remains of it). That pissed me off because it is MINE...AND my pancake griddle was taken too. I don't mind that she took it and used it...what I minded was that it wasnt even asked. I would never use her pizza stone or her silpats or something without asking. I'm so frustrated I want to cry. I did so much nice stuff for her going into retreat, and then I get ignored the entire trip by her, no thankyous for the tent, and don't even a courtesy "just to let you know, we cant take you back because we took dan instead".... And her and dan and jason all pretty much ignored me the entire trip. Except for her making comments about me farting on the fire to get it started which was rude and embarressing, considering I don't think you should be ridiculing someone who is trying so hard for you and who you cant even be civil towards... I just don't get it. What did I do to deserve this hot and cold treatment? How come when she goes to Jasons and they make dinner and invite Danny and Daniel and Dan, why am I not invited? I was part of that group before Dan, and I always am the first to invite them places or give them brownies or food when I make it. I offer stuff, I buy toilet paper and milk out of turn when its needed. I never complain when she locks me out of the bathroom and I have to scrounge around and find stuff from Carolyn's to use so that I can at least do my hair and get ready for work or school. I never complain when my car is blocked in or when my mail is left in the kitchen under other stuff and can't find it. I always do my best for all three roommates, and I get ingored and shoved aside by all three. Melissa is messy and I cant talk to her without her bringing up Carolyn and Cristina..Carolyn is too busy with her life to even care or notice when I'm upset...and Cristina treats me like I have swine flu ever other day. And even when we are on those "good" days, I'm still not as high on the rung as Michelle Toro...who is just the sweetest girl ever...or Heather Mason or Dan or anyone... She uses the whole "omg i love that girl" or "omg dan is awesome..." but I sincerely doubt I'm ever brought up as one of those that she really likes. Shes baked cakes and celebrated every birthday up and down and around as far as friends go but I feel like I've never been treated as if I'm a real friend. I'm just a roommate who gets walked on and who kisses ass. I just dont know what to do. I have so many great friends who love me and who I love but I get really upset when the ones I really care about act as if I'm not alive or do not exist. I'm not asking for huge favors, but a thankyou for setting up our tent would be nice. Or a random text asking me if I want to get lunch. Or just to feel like I'm a worthy friend to have. =( Zack is in Destin with his family and I miss him alot. And while I had a great time on retreat with him and Jarred, Jarred drove me insane with his girlyness. Zack did too at times. I felt like "why even come..." It was obvious that they didn't have fun at times. Jarred spent more time in the tent on his phone than anyone and Zack was the same. Jarred would just text Zack from the tent complaining and people, making fun of people, and asking him to bring him smores. I just don't get it Can I rant again? I know I have been using and abusing this live journal and a rant method but I've been in a particularly firey mood as of lately... OK so today my phone got spammed by two people....one brother one sister (I'm sure you will be able to guess who they are very easily)...talking about sodomizing my boyfriend and making sexual references to his size and to myself. Like "OMG how can you walk??" iono... :( Current music: Journey - I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight. Well it looks like I won't be going to Destin anymore with Zack. Why? My mom thinks that it is imperative that I see Carolyn get her AA from Valencia... And she pretty much made me feel like a horrible person for wanting to miss it. So my mom and I had a huge blow up fight about it. And most of it was concerning how damn much the favor Carolyn over me. Its true, that girl has gotten away with murder compared to me on everything. My parents chalk it up as "making mistakes with their first child and then correcting them for the second," - and please notice the quotes....becaues they have actually stated that. Carolyn was allowed to get a job in high school whereas I wasnt. I had to pay for all of my own gas in high school to drive BOTH of us to campus but she got a gas allowance for academic and work reasons. My dad refused to go to my cross country races on more than one ocassion and made EVERY DAMN one of Carolyns. My parents learned what "times" where good for Carolyns races but half the time MISSED me WINNING races right in front of them at meets. Why? cuz they were too busy talking and forgot to look at the hurdlers throwing themselves over obstacles. They were SO unsupportive about running AND doing band in high school for me but then pushed Carolyn through it. They pay for her to go to a dermetologist but won't pay for my pill - which isnt for birth control but is for PMD, a MEDICAL issue thats a little worse than a few pimples. Granted, I have a nicer car than her but thats about it. I live in a house which i DIDNT want to do. I wanted to live in an apartment with KKPsi girls....Carolyn was going to Valencia because she follows me EVERYWHERE and so my parents decided to buy a house and force us to live together even though i DIDNT want that. I know this seems like a slam fest on my sister but I'm over it. I'm over the fact that they pushed her through high school to figure out what career she wanted. I 'm mad that they took all the knowledge of me going to college and pushed it on her so that she knew years ahead. I'm mad that everything comes easier to her because she has guidance and examples and templates whereas I feel like I'm constantly in unchartered waters. Its not the Destin trip. I mean I get it. And I honestly am not ready to meet Zack's entire family, for five days and four nights. But being in a condo for free and getting to spend days at the beach with Zack sounds so nice. And he raelly makes me happy. And my mom doesnt even care. Since Dan, no guy that I talk about holds any promise. Either they have a name too close to Dan's or they are young like Dan or they like art like Dan. She finds something wrong with every guy that I went on a date or two or started to like. And now she hasnt even met Zack but acts like I'm single. And that bugs me. And when I told her about my possible trip all I got was a, you are missing your sisters graduation, shame on you, do what you want but you know she really wants you there. So thanks for the guilt trip about how I'm a horrible person. Never mind the fact that I didnt get an AA and went to a harder school this whole time. Never mind the fact that they have done nothing but TRASH me and KKPsi but LOVE carolyn and TBS. Never mind that no one even gives a damn that I want to go to culinary school in my whole family. Sigh I'm so frustrated. And Carolyn might care a little, but really who will notice. Itll be a family plus Ian dinner and I'll be bored. And maybe I'm being selfish but Carolyn is really good at bombing out on me. Most of the time when I invite her out she bombs and she came to a whole whoping ONE hockey game out of the five IM sports I did this year. Shes too busy for me, but makes all the time in the world for Ian. And I'm the one who is wrong As always end major rant.....cue a few self sympathy tears I have a whole bunch that I should be doing right now. So I decided what better way to procrastinate than to write in LJ? =D I have two more finals. One is a take home that will prolly take a good few hours. But its food stuff, so I'll be uber interested and it wont be too hard. Plus I'm pretty sure I have a solid A locked in that class so this final isnt a stresser. The other is an online final for English, and its only worth 5% and since I did REALLY well on my first three cores (two A's and a B+) I'm not too worried. AND the worst is over....Core 4 is turned in and safely in my teachers hands. Lets just hope I can bring home at LEAST a B in English I'm predicted two passes (Internship and Guest Lectures...don't really have Grades) an A- (confirmed for Human Resources Management) and A in Food Prep, a B (hopefully an A) in English adn Informations Systems is unknown (douchebag teacher) ***BEGIN RANT*** Let me tell you about "Raymund" Wang from "Alabama" aka biggest chinese douchebag of a teacher I have ever had. I deserve a B in that class. At the LEAST....I have done every assignment, with the exception of one lab that I skipped because I had a KKPsi money issue that NEEDED to be dealt with that day. So there I lost 50 points. and on my technology of the day paper I lost 20 points for forgettting to print out the website and attache it. Mind you the website was over 50 pages of solid purple background and white type. I was not able to copy and paste and I emailed twice and even called him. So I did an elaborate works cited page.....and minus 20 points later I was pretty upset. Now in addition to this we had a three part project, and on the first two sections my group scored a 92 and 93...and when asked waht we could do to make it better he told us it was "perfect" - but he doesnt give out 100's. So my question is why did we get an A- for perfect work? SAME for my big lab project, 92 for work that could not be improved And we dont have a grade yet for our powerpoint presentation but he ripped us a new one because we were the first group to go and we didn't have the opportunity to watch any groups go before us. We had points taken off becase one group member was not enthusiastic and was nervous....and as a side note let me fill you in on the fact that this person in question had a MEDICAL LEARNING disability. Like....slow learning and very nervous in front of groups of people. can not be helped......and our teacher feels the need to take off from our grades for this. LIke we can help it. PLUS my group is one person short, one girl does NOTHING....you should see my peer review of her...not very nice in the least. And "Raymund" also took off because we didnt add soem pertinent information to our slides. Well EXCUSE me for following the assignmetn you gave us and not READING your mind... ***END RANT*** Can you tell how annoyed I am at this guy? Other than that I'm ok. Was late to work again. Twice this month. I feel pretty bad about it :( bleh On a happier note, Zack invited me to go to the beach and meet his mom and family in Destin the weekend after retreat. A long weekend at a beach with Zack? hmmmm can't think of a better way to spent the time in between Spring and Summer A. I'm a little nervous about meeting the mom AND the whole family....I'd much rather meet his mom separate, but what the hell. She sounds really nice. And a lot more accepting of me than my mom is so far towards Zack. My mom is still so upset about Dan that I dont think shes ever going to just "like" my boyfriends anymore. But I think once she meets Zack she will change her mind. Or at least I hope so. Its just that she liked Dan ALOT and when he hurt me and she saw how depressed I got, she got really protective. Shes a good mom, but I want her to see how happy I am =D So hopefully we can do that soon. So Cristina is still being all hot and cold towards me. I'm sick of it. I kiss ass so much, I deserve her to be nice to me ALL the itme and not just when the weather is fair. Sigh. I have so many close "girls" to me...Jenn, Kara, and Caitlin is getting there. And Alex and Carolyn of course. And Heather Gilbert ran into Subway and made me smile today, I love visitors. So did Mikey come to think of it. Smiles! Well I think that is about it. Time to stop procrastinating and get to work....after I read a chapter of The Hobbit and straighten up my room of course =D CIAO! Current mood:  cheerful.Current music: Limp Bizkit - Click Click Boom. I ranted the other day about Zack, and how I felt like I sucked at relationship. But I found out that that totally isnt true. Zack and I talked. Turned out I was afraid of things from my last relationship happening, and he was afraid of it too. I was afraid of getting hurt again and I was afraid of him not being honest with me, not telling me when he had problems, needed space, needed friend time, etc. And he was afraid of me being uber controlling and getting mad at hiim for wanting to see his friends. So basically, we had a miscommunication then led us both to an upsetting night, and a long and heartfelt talk tuesday, and then to an amazing date last night =D Yes, a date. Dinner and a movie, Ice cream and candy. Holding hands and hugging and sneaking kisses in a dark movie theater. I felt like I was in high school again...please save the age jokes, I get enough of those at work :P I just wanted to write all of this so I can read it and see how happy I am. School is almost over...thank god. And even though I dont get much of a break, at least it will bring me another semester closer to culinary school and moving on into a place where I can hopefully flourish and belong. I have alot I need to get done but Im feeling lazy. I should probably get started tho. I have a peer review to do, then some study guides, a take home final, some cleaning and organizing, and i need to buy food for my turtles and some milk and cereal for the morning. Plus I really want to come up with a nice surprise for Zack. Something cute, he needs flip flops desperately so I was thinking of getting him some braves flip flops :P Or just something nice. And I really want to have him meet my parents soon =D That way my mom and dad can match a face with the name...since I am pretty sure the name Zack...or Zak rather... brings up the image of long shaggy hair and freckles...haha |
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