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seesa78 @ 2009-06-04T13:19:00

2009-06-04T17:37:01Z

I closed and pretty much crushed my left hand in the garage door yesterday. It hurts horribly :( I still cant totally feel in my fingertips too. At least its not bruising...yet. And god I hope I dont loose three of my fingernails...that would major league suck

I am still a little sick but its not too bad. Zack got pretty sick from me I guess. I felt so bad. This morning he was in terrible shape. Go figure...I spend a week sick and as soon as I'm on the upswing he gets it. Le sigh. Well, the good news is I have a ton of leftover tissues and medicine that he can use if he wants. Too bad he hates chicken soup lol

Magic Game tonight! No idea what I'm doing. No one has said if they are all watching it somewhere. Zack and I had talked of going to Kissimmee to spend a night in the condo but we're thinking not now...he's really sick. We were also thinking of finding a wing special somewhere and watching the game but iono anymore. I havent heard anything from Danny or Daniel or anyone about watching the game anywhere either...not like I'm really included in that anyway. Have I mentioned that I totally feel on the outside? Whatever...

At any rate, I was going to write alot. But I suddenly dont feel like it. All I want is a brownie...or a chocolate chip cookie. Or something.

seesa78 @ 2009-05-24T06:37:00

2009-05-24T11:24:03Z

So remember how I was getting all paranoid about time with Zack and such? Well this weekend we spent all day Friday and Saturday together, and it was amazing and refreshing and now I don't feel so bad at all. I guess the point I was missing was that he misses me too and he feels it too, he just shows it differently. So on Thursday night when he got home here around 12 we watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. Ok...lets be realistic, he watched the first HALF, but at least he was with me on the couch, even if he was drooling and unconscious throughout the second half. BUT when I woke him up to go to sleep in my room he let me tell him all about George and Izzie and laughed at how frantic I was to start NEXT season in fall....So hooray for that =D

Then Saturday he woke up early with me when the exterminator came. He helped me move all my furniture and made fun of how much crap is UNDER my bed and in my closet. And then he helped me straighten up and clean the house post exterminator. And he calmed me down through the whole ordeal ... we have a HUGE ant problem....they have built a huge nest ALL AROUND the house. AND we have termite nests all around the house too, tho they havent quite got in yet. I have ALOT of yard work I need to get done. And the exterminator looks strikingly like Danny lol but he was super friendly and tho we still have some ants, its not nearly as bad.

So after that whole ordeal was over Zack and I went to Mall at Millenia and just walked around. He bought me Chinese food so I bought him Mrs. Fields cookies lol. He tolerated my clothes shopping and then we had fun playing around in Brookstone and the Apple Store. We were there for a good four hours...AND i didnt buy anything! Be proud...I'm broke and have credit cards...a combination that could get one in trouble...but I am THAT good :P

Then we went over to Al's to watch the game. I felt bad cuz Daniel seemed to invite me right after Al did...and I really miss Daniel and everyone...but I kinda feel like that whole group is moving on without me anyway. They hang out ALOT, even just down the road, and I never get an invite. Even tho I'm always there for them, and nice to them...its a bad situation and it hurts me...but I'll get to that sorta stuff later...right now I'm in the happy stuff :P. But we watched the game, drank wine, and had a good time, even if the Magic lost in the last second...literally. Then Zack and I went back to my house and drank more wine and cuddled and watched food network and talked for a bit. And for once....I PASSED OUT before him....(muahahaha a tiny victory for me lol)

Sunday we woke up fairly early and just hung out in my room for a bit, and then we went to Flea World in Sanford for a good portion of the day. Just looked around, talked alot about his friend Kevin's upcoming visit and what kinda stuff Zack should entertain him with, and then we went to Fun world....and played mini golf and rode go karts. It was a really good time =) We came back to my house after and cooked Hamburger Helper, made mashed potatoes, and ate pie. We watched Night at the Museum (I really liked it) and then played some Super Nintendo...FINALLY something I could kick Zack's butt in :P

Then we went to bed early because he had to get up and shower and go to work in Magic Kingdom by 8:30, so he gets up at 6:15 to shower and guess what? My bathroom is locked...again. OH and btw this is where the happy entry goes to an annoyed entry. So he had to rush and leave to go to his dorm to shower and I cant sleep now because I'm worried he wont get to work on time because of this....

So it should be no surprise that Cristina is once again treating me like a door mat. She had to leave before the exterminator so I called her afterward to let her know everything he had said to do with the house in the upcoming few days right after treatment. And she pretty much cut me off because she was busy...which I totally understand because she was in the middle of something but if I had been, say, Michelle Toro, I'm sure she would have been alot more friendly...

And that was the last time she has talked and been even semi friendly to me in days. She didnt speak to me at ALL that night...granted we didnt really have a chance to but then all day yesterday we didnt talk as well. And I didnt really let it bother me because I was busy, she was busy, whatever. But then last night I'm in the kitchen cleaning all the pans we had used and she just walks right past me and out the door. No hi or wave or anything. And I just feel like that is rude, you know? So I texted her and asked her if everything was alright because usually firneds at LEAST greet one another when they are leaving...but not me. Its the same as the other night when everyone went to Pat O's and NO ONE invited me and I was coming home when she was leaving.

So I dont know what I've done. But Cristina treats me like shes been treating Melissa and I have no idea why. Shes friendly to me if I corner her, or if she needs some KKPsi stuff, but if its effort on her part I get NOTHING. And Daniel has been like ignoring me as well. I try so hard to be friends to them but its like I'm nothing at all. Danny doesnt talk to me really either...and I'm his little. They all went over to Dannys the other night and partied and hung out and I was DOWN THE STREET and no one invited me. So do they not like Zack? Or do they not like me because I'm "happy" now? They invite Dan...but not me... and they invited Dan and myself to things together RIGHT AFTER our breakup when I was still a wreck. So do the math?

I know I'm not a perfect angel, but I honestly am always friendly. I supply alcohol nad food so I'm no moocher. Im not a wallflower, I have fun and everyone seems to like me. But no one thinks of me, or remembers me. And its just that group of friends. Alll my other friends everywhere else treat me great. I dont know where I would be without Kara, or Ali, or Jenn, or Ashley....they all want to hang out and do fun things. And I love them all and am so happy with them all. =D And Carolyn and Zack both see what Cristina does to me and they are fully on my side. So I guess I just need to figure out how to make my heart stop caring about her because she really does not seem to care about me at all...Yet she Loves Michelle Toro and Dan Jones...but what about the girl who lives down the hall who has always had reports done on time, who has helped her out whenever possible, and who is ALWAYS willing to lend a hand in anything?

So right now, what I'm the most annoyed about is the bathroom. Andthe fact that I'm up at 7 because I had to WAIT to pee for a ridiculous length of time because my bathroom was locked and Carolyn was getting ready for work in her own. And frankly I'mnot gonna pop a squat outside. AND the fact that Zack slept here because I wanted to sleep in my bed all day today (no plans) and HE might be late to work because he had to drive home to get ready. And this isnt the first time this has happened...and she never apologizes. And I'm not mean enough to bang on her door and wake her up or to leave a nasty note. Because I know in my heart, if I dont that, shell just treat me worse than she already does. And I am horrible at confrontations. But I am super annoyed because I want to pee on my toilet and brush my teeth and brush my hair and I cant get in and who knows how long she will decide to sleep in. =(

Le sigh...

Oh and Annemarie...I know this entry looks like I spent ALL My time with Zack...which I did. But we did that because he worked ALL last week and then today and tomorrow...then his friend is visiting for a week and he has a bunch of College Democrat stuff to do so we wont see eachother. But I'm making plans with people because you were right about pining all my happiness on one person :P And thanks to everyone who gave me encouragement about being so pissy in my last few entries. I was totally PMSing..the week AFTER my period but whatever lol. I'm alot happier now because I got school under control and work still isnt giving me hours so I have time to chill lol

Anyway I guess I'm gonna lay down and try to sleep some more...And maybe think of how to be aggressive and let Cristina know how upset I am at her...and not totally make our friendship suck more than it already does :(

seesa78 @ 2009-05-21T07:46:00

2009-05-21T12:03:37Z

I feel empty and discontent. And sad. And I want to write about it but at the same time I don't.

Life isnt perfect, even though we all wish it will be. I'm so confused about classes and graduating. I'm signed up for Five classes and debating dropping a combination of two. I got into a wine class for summer A, meaning I could drop the wine class in summer B and that will give me concentration on my Managerial accounting class...but I'm ALREADY way behind on the summer A wine class. Plus I dont have oen of the pre-reqs but by some slip I still got enrolled. Michelle Toro is in that class, as well as my current Bev Mgmt class (which I love) and both have the same teacher...and its all convenient. Takes up about 8 hours of my Tuesday Thursday INCLUDING driving to UCF and catching the shuttle. As opposed to Summer B with a 10 am and a 6pm class. And my internship is shaky...I dont know if I will get close to the 16 hour a week limit that I want, I guess I will have to ask my manager. And I need to call Thomas Barr...and I need to work on a resume since mine is ... nonexistant.

And I need a new job because after I pay all my bills and get my $300 for next month I will have about $60 to spend on myself...no bueno. And I dont get a paycheck this week because of retreat and the failed Destin trip (I took off) two weeks back - and last week I got about 10 hours, this one 6 (which I already worked so I'm looking to PICK UP shifts lol) I'm just tired of worrying about money and being broke all the time. I hate having to look for the least expensive food item on a menu and worrying about credit cards and bills ... now three cards and a cell phone. On the up side, my credit is fantastic - on the low I'm pretty sure I'm getting stomach ulcers

And I'm tired of roommate stuff and feeling like I'm worthless. Cristina hasnt talked to me in days. I saw her last night and asked how she was, to which she said "im good" and walked right by me. No "how are you," "no how have you been," no "what have you been up to." - and it makes me feel horrible. I try so hard to be a good friend and I'm walked all over. And Kimmy never calls and barely texts, and when I text first I feel like I'm just bugging her. She doesnt continue any conversation and it makes me feel like she doesnt even care about me :(

And stuff with Zack is perfect and not perfect. He opens my car door ALL the time, even when we are going to different cars and they are parked at different spots on the cul de sac or parking garage...AND he opens it even when IM driving. And he always meets me when I go to the Towers at night because he doesnt want me walking the whole way alone. He doesnt want me running at night and he always tells me to call if creepy guys are walking when I'm crossing memory mall on the way to his dorm. He isnt controlling with it at all, he just genuinely doesnt want me to get hurt, cuz he gets noticed about all the rapings and stuff from "good morning ucf." He also drives me to my car on the mornings I leave for work or to catch the shuttle, even though he could stay in bed - he does it just so I dont have to walk the extra, or get wet in the rain, etc. And he alwasy sends me sweet texts and makes me feel important.

But lately he works so much, and I work so little and have school and we NEVER see eachother. We sleep together...and by that I mean he falls out of consciousness within two minutes of getting to my house. All the time. Not just once in a while. And it makes me feel kinda like I dont matter at all - we dont talk at all, and i can never sleep at night because I wish we would talk, laugh, joke, have fun. And iono...it makes it harder for me to sleep because I lay down feeling all sad and lonely.

I dont know if I'm just being stupid...and he says we WILL have itme...weekends and stuff. But this weekend we happen to have free - but I normally work on weekends and so does he. And he got asked to be the President of the College Democrats (.....and guess whose Republican...) and that would lead to working a paid position on the Meek campaign for senator. But guess how much time I'll get to see him? Even less than now. I dont see how he can do that, be a MK staff and do ALL the game day stuff, AND take classes. And he has KKPsi and his Disney job and the marketing promotions things that he does.

I feel like I have a right to be worried. Because life likes kicking me when I'm down. I had such a bad day yesterday...EVERYTHING went wrong. And all I wanted was a little bit of comfort and talking and stuff from my boyfriend. And all he could do was sleep. Maybe I'm selfish, but I just feel blah. I never ask for much, I really dont.

Its not as bad as it seems, probably. I'm just super sad right at this minute. I'm having a few health things here and there...my knee and hip are in shambles as well as a few other things. And I just want some good luck

Zack picked up a shift tonight so I wont see him AT ALL again today. And by the time he gets home he will probably pass out and sleep most of Friday. :/ I just kinda wish that he would want to spend even five minutes laying down and just talking about anyting. Just so I felt like more than a pillow...

I'm in such a bad mood

seesa78 @ 2009-05-09T22:21:00

2009-05-10T02:47:40Z

So today Carolyn graduated. And I had to admit I was jealous at how much fussing everyone did all over an AA. I chose to leave community college and go to a harder school and I feel like shes getting rewarded for taking an easier path. Iono. I was also annoyed at the whole missing Destin with Zack thing and I am ashamed to say I got really bitchy at everyone when I found out that Ian and his family were eating dinner with my whole family. After the huge deal that was made out of me not being there for Carolyn, I felt like I was just giong to be the seventh wheel to the happy family sorta outing. Turns out Ians car is REALLY effed up and him and his parents left to go back to Naples before dinner and it was just the four of us...but at any rate I felt like a bitch for complaining about it. I know I pissed Carolyn off and that made me sad. I didnt want to ruin the day for her, I just felt like life shortchanged me sorta.

This is the thing. My whole life I feel like my parents "click" with carolyns friends and/or boyfriends parents. The Monroes, the Georges, Nick's parents and now Ians parents, and of course the Dwyers. They woudlnt go over and meet Dan's parents during tailgating a few seasons ago because they were drinking and BBQing with the Dwyers. They woudlnt meet Ali's parents because they were busy with the Dwyers again. They always invtied the Monroes over for FAMILY holidays like Thanksgiving and Easter. I just sorta feel lke they never made that effort with say the Horaces, and I dont think they have met ANY of my boyfriends parents...except for Will's Mom once or twice and I think she met Zak McCloskey's parents but totally forgot it and the second time they ran into them at a band function they didnt even remember them. It was so awkward. And that was part of why I was so mad.

Maybe it is a little green eyed monster that I have...this jealousy thing...but I feel like everything is handed to Carolyn. I know I have gone through this, the ins and outs of it, already. I just wish they understood what it feels like. Neither of them went to college and when I was applying I had no clue. Didn't know much about scholarships. Didn't know how important it was to KNOW what I wanted to do with my life. Didn't know life management, with a job and money and responsibilities. Carolyn has gotten that. And when my parents reminded me how expensive my education was in comparison to hers today I had to remind them of those things.

Deep down I know they are disappointed in me that I did not graduate myself today from UCF. It knda hurts to be in this position but I know its true. I went through high school wanting to major in music ed and planned on being a band director and coaching track and cross country - or at least assistant coaching. Then senior year hits, followed real quick by a horrible decision to go to UCF and give up my running scholarship at UCF because I wanted to stay with Will, and along with CFCC hit the REALITY that real life entails. And after that, when I got to UCF, I realized that I didnt love music the same way anymore. Sure I love marching band, and certain concert band pieces....but the complexities of music and improv and all the theory and history was not my passion. And so, with that passion lacking, how could I make it through the music program? And how could I mould young minds when my heart wasnt in it.

So I switched to Psychology, which I LOVED studying, and still love studying...but I got to the senior year and realized I didn't have the confidence to make it through the masters and doctorate programs needed to become a therapist. And really, I felt like if I couldnt answer my OWN life questions, how am I going to guide a hopeless and lost person to the right decision?

So hospitality became me. And I dont love that still. I just am getting through to get that damn piece of paper

What do I love? Cakes. I want to be a cake decorator. I want to go to culinary school....or pastry school. I want to learn to sculpt and mold and roll out and smooth fontant and become a wedding cake designer. I want to make my own wedding cake someday. I want to make brides cry. I want to create cakes that will make sweet sixteens smile, and anniversaries sparkle, and I want to make edible memories. I want to be a charm city cakes sorta girl...I want to be good like those cakes i see on food network.

And if not that, let me make pastries. And hundreds of loaves of bread. Or let me be a caterer, or let me work in a restaurant. Let me create and let flavors flow. Because I used to cook with little legos in a fake pot in my fisher price kitchen as a baby. Because I could watch Emeril all day long. And because I just feel comfortable with a chef knife and an onion.

On another note, I want to run right now. Its quarter to 11 at night and the air outside smells wonderful and I want to run until I cant feel my legs anymore. I really do. I want to be a midnight runner, just chasing the stars and the lightning bugs. I wish there was a safe park around here, with tall grass and flowers that I could run in by moonlight. The air smells so nice

I miss Zack alot. He needs to hurry up and get back...it needs to be Monday afternoon so I can hold him again. Because the air tonight is nice and I would love to go for a walk on campus by the fountain, and past all our secret places tonight. We have all these secret parking lots, and areas, where we would sneak away to hug for hours, or kiss (I will always love the parking lot by Millican, under a tree, because thats where I got the most perfect and wonderful and breathtaking first kiss of my life), or just hold eachother. Ug...make him come back

He keeps sending me silly drunken texts. He's at a wedding and he sees the bride and groom happy together and it makes him miss me. And his best friend/cousin is with him and her bf just broke up with her over the phone and it makes him miss me. And he see they are drinking Asti and it makes him think of me. And its all so sweet and amazing and I know its the "honeymoon" second month of dating and I know it may and probably will end but I hope it lasts forever

It's the way that you blush when you're nervous.
It's your ability to make me earn this.
I know that you're tired, just let me sing you to sleep.
It's about how you laugh out of pity,
'Cause lets be honest I'm not really that funny.
I know that you're shy, just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is close.

It's those pills that you don't need to take,
medicating perfection, now that's a mistake.
I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep.
It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it.
It's your grace and it keeps me grounded.
I know that you're weak, just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is close.

While you were sleeping I figured out everything,
I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me.
Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins.
You shine so bright it's insane, you put the sun to shame.

(Oh)

If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything. (I really do)
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is close.

If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is close.

seesa78 @ 2009-05-08T09:27:00

2009-05-08T13:48:07Z

I am not feeling bitter today, so this entry should be much more pleasant than most, as the trend seems so far. I guess I was just in a bad mood yesterday about the whole feeling left out and taken for granted, but after talking to my mom about it, and after a very sweet phone call from Zack last night, I feel alot better. Plus Al left me a message, Kara gave me lots of encouragement with the promise of soon to come Disney movies and Dan said thanks for putting up the tent. It meant alot to me that my entry was read and that people understand how I feel and where I am coming from.

So I have a pretty busy day today:
-Do laundry and clean up room/pack for Kissemmee tonight (just PJs and an outfit for the morning)
-Shower and put in new contacts (I'm totally wearing my glasses at the moment...a very rare sight for all who know me)
-Tag those photos of myself that Chris Burke was nice enough to put up for me
-Call my mom about paying for summer classes, also text Chris and ask if he can meet me to give me shirt money
-Email Metropolis and ask what the smallest number tshirt order they will do is/Get through KKPsi's own list of things to do (...yes I have many lists) and go through all emails and take care of important ones (mostly concernign KKPsi and UCF/Rosen stuff)
-Straighten hair and get out of PJs
-Go to campus: Get money from Chris, pick up paycheck from Subway, get checks signed by E, sell back textbooks, deposit money at credit union
-Go to Bank of America and deposit check
-Message Dan McGowan and see if he wants to hang out/update checkbook
-Add and tag all pictures from camera (because I am REALLY bad at keeping this updated)
-Paint toenails and nails....because they currently look HORRIBLE
-Defrag computer and try and figure out why it is being so slow lately
-Write out all phone number that have so far, go to Verizon (if time get eyebrows plucked too)
-Call Bank of America and cancel credit cards that to not use anymore
-Clean up kitchen...mostly clean OUT fridge and freezer and organize
-Organize desk area, above desk area, and all stuff on ground by desk (its growing)
-Clean bathroom (try not to mess up nails)
-Clean out turtle tank
-Work on Resume, apply to a bunch of places
-Print out more pictures for frames (take new ones from facebook and get frame for Zack's pictures)
-Look up and price culinary schools - dream a little bit about the future
-Register with Promotions companies that Zack was talking about....might have to wait for Zack to be back to kinda guide me through it all

Yup thats my day...pretty busy. And I'll honestly be happy if I get through defragging my own computer. But I have nothing planned for the whole day, except for hopefully seeing Dan McGowan at some point. I miss that kid something awful

On a funnier note I found a HILARIOUS video...its basically a girls version of I Jizzed in my pants except its I puke in my mouth...talking about gross guys that hit on us in clubs and such. I can't find the link right now and am too lazy to look it up any further so just go to you tube or something and type in "Puke in my mouth" - I guarentee that its hilarious!

well thats pretty much it world. much love to you. and yay for a not so mean post!

seesa78 @ 2009-05-07T18:02:00

2009-05-07T22:31:05Z

I am tired. I am drained. I am mentally exhausted and do not know what to do anymore.

Do you ever feel like you get totally taken for granted? I know I'm not perfect, and I know I make mistakes and that I leave people out. But I like to think of myself as one of the few who really do try and be nice to everyone, thank everyone, help everyone feel like they have a good friend, listener, and are important to someone. I mean, its obvious that i will go to greater lengths for those that I am closer to than for those that I barely know, but if someone I dont know well needs someone, I will do my best, even if its just a little piece of their life story that I need to listen to and sympathize with...

I dont know, I just feel like sometimes I'm completely taken for granted by a certain few people that I give over 110% for, and I'm getting to a piont where I just want to give up on them. Cristina is one of those people. I mean, I try so hard for her. Every time I go to waterford or target or to someplace she likes to go, I invite her. We ride together to events even when its an inconvenience to me. I go out of my way to make sure the bathroom is free if she needs to shower nad get to class or a degree before me, I make sure I ask her before I use her stuff every time. Today I even took my comforter out of the dryer a little earlier than I woul dhave liked so she could start drying her clothes because I felt bad that it was taking so long to dry.

And for what? Nothing. Not even a thank you or a "goodbye" as she left the house. She acts like I'm not even home half of the time.

Do you know that I set up her tent for her at retreat? Her and Jason were getting there late and since she had said I could ride back to Orlando with them (since Zack and Jarred left straight from camp) I decided to be nice and set up there tent in a good spot. I didn't even get a thank you for that. And whats more, Dan rode with them and got my spot in the car for the ride back. Granted he didnt know that, but still. I didn't even get an apology for that. And MY silverware was taken on retreat, not anyone elses but my fun colorful set (what remains of it). That pissed me off because it is MINE...AND my pancake griddle was taken too. I don't mind that she took it and used it...what I minded was that it wasnt even asked. I would never use her pizza stone or her silpats or something without asking.

I'm so frustrated I want to cry. I did so much nice stuff for her going into retreat, and then I get ignored the entire trip by her, no thankyous for the tent, and don't even a courtesy "just to let you know, we cant take you back because we took dan instead".... And her and dan and jason all pretty much ignored me the entire trip. Except for her making comments about me farting on the fire to get it started which was rude and embarressing, considering I don't think you should be ridiculing someone who is trying so hard for you and who you cant even be civil towards...

I just don't get it. What did I do to deserve this hot and cold treatment? How come when she goes to Jasons and they make dinner and invite Danny and Daniel and Dan, why am I not invited? I was part of that group before Dan, and I always am the first to invite them places or give them brownies or food when I make it. I offer stuff, I buy toilet paper and milk out of turn when its needed. I never complain when she locks me out of the bathroom and I have to scrounge around and find stuff from Carolyn's to use so that I can at least do my hair and get ready for work or school. I never complain when my car is blocked in or when my mail is left in the kitchen under other stuff and can't find it. I always do my best for all three roommates, and I get ingored and shoved aside by all three. Melissa is messy and I cant talk to her without her bringing up Carolyn and Cristina..Carolyn is too busy with her life to even care or notice when I'm upset...and Cristina treats me like I have swine flu ever other day. And even when we are on those "good" days, I'm still not as high on the rung as Michelle Toro...who is just the sweetest girl ever...or Heather Mason or Dan or anyone... She uses the whole "omg i love that girl" or "omg dan is awesome..." but I sincerely doubt I'm ever brought up as one of those that she really likes. Shes baked cakes and celebrated every birthday up and down and around as far as friends go but I feel like I've never been treated as if I'm a real friend. I'm just a roommate who gets walked on and who kisses ass.

I just dont know what to do. I have so many great friends who love me and who I love but I get really upset when the ones I really care about act as if I'm not alive or do not exist. I'm not asking for huge favors, but a thankyou for setting up our tent would be nice. Or a random text asking me if I want to get lunch. Or just to feel like I'm a worthy friend to have. =(

Zack is in Destin with his family and I miss him alot. And while I had a great time on retreat with him and Jarred, Jarred drove me insane with his girlyness. Zack did too at times. I felt like "why even come..." It was obvious that they didn't have fun at times. Jarred spent more time in the tent on his phone than anyone and Zack was the same. Jarred would just text Zack from the tent complaining and people, making fun of people, and asking him to bring him smores. I just don't get it

How come certain people get walked over so much?

I don't know who to talk to about this because everyone just tells me I'm overreacting. Cristina has excuses made for her, shes just tired, shes just stressed, shes just grumpy. But when I'm that way I dont treat people like that, especially not a friend willing to set up my tent, free the dryer even when she still needs it, and not get mad when at me when I lock her out of her own bathroom and inconvenience her.

Shes home now but has said nothing to me all day. Except to ask me if I'm going to cowboys or not. Prolly just to see if I'll drive...I mean it IS my turn to drive her and jason and i to a club. And I will do it, because its my turn and because I'm nice and because I really wish that she would consider me to be the kind of friend that she considers Lauren and Michelle and everyone else =(

I miss Al too. A whole lot. I keep trying to spend time with him, because I miss him and I value him so much. But he always seems so busy. And he has so many good friends that sometimes I worry that I'm just an ordinary friend to him when he is an extraordinary friend to me and I just wish we were closer...like we used to be. I know I was never as close to him as he was with Dan but to me, HE was a truly close friend. I just wish I could take away his pain. Make things better with him and Dan. Make him see that he is strong enough and that he will find true love and that he is a wonderful person..

Sigh

I think that my problem is I dont have a "best friend" anymore. Not one single girl that I talk to every day about everything. I have alot of close girls in my life - and when I say close I mean REALLY close...Kara, Jenn, Kathleen, Ali...Annemarie through LJ (got you in there hun!) and Sandy through texts. But Kimmy is pretty much gone, and that hurts. And Carolyn is too busy for me. If I were toget married tomorrow my maid of honor would be a toss up of who was currently on my mind. And that is sad. Zack is becomeing my best friend but Zack is a new boyfriend and I know its easy for your heart to trust adn love before its really time. But he is very slowly becoming one of the absolute closest people in my life and I really only hope I never lose him...or at least not for a very long time.

I guess right now I just feel bummed. I'm sunburnt and lonely and wish someone were around to just goof off with and watch movies.

I'm gonna go back to unpacking - this entry is depressing

seesa78 @ 2009-05-01T22:45:00

2009-05-02T03:01:59Z

Can I rant again?

I know I have been using and abusing this live journal and a rant method but I've been in a particularly firey mood as of lately...

OK so today my phone got spammed by two people....one brother one sister (I'm sure you will be able to guess who they are very easily)...talking about sodomizing my boyfriend and making sexual references to his size and to myself. Like "OMG how can you walk??"

Now...Zack and I have a new relationship...very new...and we're both being very reasonable and slow about everything. And these topics are VERY inappropriate coming from Sal and Dave - who arent close to me and who should nto be referencing these things period. And they really bothered me. I had a boyfriend in high school who dumped me and went gay. I got so much teasing and ribbing and people can be cruel...especially in high school.

I told them both to stop, that it bothered me and that I didn't appreciate it. I'm not being a prude or a bitch, and I was respectful when I asked them to stop. And maybe I'm being a baby. But I'm at home alone, which I needed. Some time to read The Hobbit, listen to my itunes and watch Food Network. And Zack was spending time with his friends...which is totally cool. I know I'm going to see Zack later on and sleep at his place but I just don't really like having my alone time spammed....i'm taking like a TON of gay texts in reference to my boyfriend...in the space of like five minutes.

Am I being stupid? Probably. Most likely. It just bothered me. Sal refers to me and Zack being sexual all the time and that offends me alot. I do not kiss and tell and that really bothered me...

iono... :(

End rant

I also managed to twist the hell out of my knee today. It hurts pretty damn bad to be honest. I got the swelling to go down and have consumed a TON of advil :( But at least I can walk without limping...I hope work doesnt suck too bad tomorrow

I had composites today, as well as a LONG eboard meeting...sigh. So much drama...and then my plans with Julie got cancelled and I guess I'm just feeling rough right now

On a happier note, last night was nice. I went to Knight Library and then met up with Zack and went home earlyish. I then suprised him with his favorite Doritoes (some gross and spicey jalopeno one) and cresent rolls and a spiked vanilla coke (with vanilla vodka of course). All in all he thinks of me as a REALLY great girlfriend which makes me smile

And no, I wasnt trying to score brownie points with the boy, and I wasnt buttering him up to watch a chick flick or something with me. To be honest with you, he makes me soooooo dang happy. And I just wanted to give him a cute and simple night. And I can tell that my little surprises made him really happy because he gave me some really amazing hugs.

Its the little things in life that can really make someone smile

seesa78 @ 2009-04-30T17:57:00

2009-04-30T22:14:20Z

Well it looks like I won't be going to Destin anymore with Zack. Why? My mom thinks that it is imperative that I see Carolyn get her AA from Valencia... And she pretty much made me feel like a horrible person for wanting to miss it.

So my mom and I had a huge blow up fight about it. And most of it was concerning how damn much the favor Carolyn over me. Its true, that girl has gotten away with murder compared to me on everything. My parents chalk it up as "making mistakes with their first child and then correcting them for the second," - and please notice the quotes....becaues they have actually stated that.

Carolyn was allowed to get a job in high school whereas I wasnt. I had to pay for all of my own gas in high school to drive BOTH of us to campus but she got a gas allowance for academic and work reasons. My dad refused to go to my cross country races on more than one ocassion and made EVERY DAMN one of Carolyns. My parents learned what "times" where good for Carolyns races but half the time MISSED me WINNING races right in front of them at meets. Why? cuz they were too busy talking and forgot to look at the hurdlers throwing themselves over obstacles. They were SO unsupportive about running AND doing band in high school for me but then pushed Carolyn through it. They pay for her to go to a dermetologist but won't pay for my pill - which isnt for birth control but is for PMD, a MEDICAL issue thats a little worse than a few pimples. Granted, I have a nicer car than her but thats about it. I live in a house which i DIDNT want to do. I wanted to live in an apartment with KKPsi girls....Carolyn was going to Valencia because she follows me EVERYWHERE and so my parents decided to buy a house and force us to live together even though i DIDNT want that.

I know this seems like a slam fest on my sister but I'm over it. I'm over the fact that they pushed her through high school to figure out what career she wanted. I 'm mad that they took all the knowledge of me going to college and pushed it on her so that she knew years ahead. I'm mad that everything comes easier to her because she has guidance and examples and templates whereas I feel like I'm constantly in unchartered waters.

Its not the Destin trip. I mean I get it. And I honestly am not ready to meet Zack's entire family, for five days and four nights. But being in a condo for free and getting to spend days at the beach with Zack sounds so nice. And he raelly makes me happy. And my mom doesnt even care. Since Dan, no guy that I talk about holds any promise. Either they have a name too close to Dan's or they are young like Dan or they like art like Dan. She finds something wrong with every guy that I went on a date or two or started to like. And now she hasnt even met Zack but acts like I'm single. And that bugs me. And when I told her about my possible trip all I got was a, you are missing your sisters graduation, shame on you, do what you want but you know she really wants you there.

So thanks for the guilt trip about how I'm a horrible person. Never mind the fact that I didnt get an AA and went to a harder school this whole time. Never mind the fact that they have done nothing but TRASH me and KKPsi but LOVE carolyn and TBS. Never mind that no one even gives a damn that I want to go to culinary school in my whole family. Sigh

I'm so frustrated. And Carolyn might care a little, but really who will notice. Itll be a family plus Ian dinner and I'll be bored. And maybe I'm being selfish but Carolyn is really good at bombing out on me. Most of the time when I invite her out she bombs and she came to a whole whoping ONE hockey game out of the five IM sports I did this year. Shes too busy for me, but makes all the time in the world for Ian. And I'm the one who is wrong

As always

end major rant.....cue a few self sympathy tears

seesa78 @ 2009-04-29T17:45:00

2009-04-29T22:01:25Z

I have a whole bunch that I should be doing right now. So I decided what better way to procrastinate than to write in LJ? =D

I have two more finals. One is a take home that will prolly take a good few hours. But its food stuff, so I'll be uber interested and it wont be too hard. Plus I'm pretty sure I have a solid A locked in that class so this final isnt a stresser. The other is an online final for English, and its only worth 5% and since I did REALLY well on my first three cores (two A's and a B+) I'm not too worried. AND the worst is over....Core 4 is turned in and safely in my teachers hands. Lets just hope I can bring home at LEAST a B in English

I'm predicted two passes (Internship and Guest Lectures...don't really have Grades) an A- (confirmed for Human Resources Management) and A in Food Prep, a B (hopefully an A) in English adn Informations Systems is unknown (douchebag teacher)

***BEGIN RANT***

Let me tell you about "Raymund" Wang from "Alabama" aka biggest chinese douchebag of a teacher I have ever had. I deserve a B in that class. At the LEAST....I have done every assignment, with the exception of one lab that I skipped because I had a KKPsi money issue that NEEDED to be dealt with that day. So there I lost 50 points. and on my technology of the day paper I lost 20 points for forgettting to print out the website and attache it. Mind you the website was over 50 pages of solid purple background and white type. I was not able to copy and paste and I emailed twice and even called him. So I did an elaborate works cited page.....and minus 20 points later I was pretty upset.

Now in addition to this we had a three part project, and on the first two sections my group scored a 92 and 93...and when asked waht we could do to make it better he told us it was "perfect" - but he doesnt give out 100's. So my question is why did we get an A- for perfect work?
SAME for my big lab project, 92 for work that could not be improved

And we dont have a grade yet for our powerpoint presentation but he ripped us a new one because we were the first group to go and we didn't have the opportunity to watch any groups go before us. We had points taken off becase one group member was not enthusiastic and was nervous....and as a side note let me fill you in on the fact that this person in question had a MEDICAL LEARNING disability. Like....slow learning and very nervous in front of groups of people. can not be helped......and our teacher feels the need to take off from our grades for this. LIke we can help it.

PLUS my group is one person short, one girl does NOTHING....you should see my peer review of her...not very nice in the least. And "Raymund" also took off because we didnt add soem pertinent information to our slides. Well EXCUSE me for following the assignmetn you gave us and not READING your mind...

***END RANT***

Can you tell how annoyed I am at this guy?

Other than that I'm ok. Was late to work again. Twice this month. I feel pretty bad about it :( bleh

On a happier note, Zack invited me to go to the beach and meet his mom and family in Destin the weekend after retreat. A long weekend at a beach with Zack? hmmmm can't think of a better way to spent the time in between Spring and Summer A. I'm a little nervous about meeting the mom AND the whole family....I'd much rather meet his mom separate, but what the hell. She sounds really nice. And a lot more accepting of me than my mom is so far towards Zack. My mom is still so upset about Dan that I dont think shes ever going to just "like" my boyfriends anymore. But I think once she meets Zack she will change her mind. Or at least I hope so. Its just that she liked Dan ALOT and when he hurt me and she saw how depressed I got, she got really protective. Shes a good mom, but I want her to see how happy I am =D So hopefully we can do that soon.

So Cristina is still being all hot and cold towards me. I'm sick of it. I kiss ass so much, I deserve her to be nice to me ALL the itme and not just when the weather is fair. Sigh. I have so many close "girls" to me...Jenn, Kara, and Caitlin is getting there. And Alex and Carolyn of course. And Heather Gilbert ran into Subway and made me smile today, I love visitors. So did Mikey come to think of it. Smiles!

Well I think that is about it. Time to stop procrastinating and get to work....after I read a chapter of The Hobbit and straighten up my room of course =D CIAO!

seesa78 @ 2009-04-23T18:17:00

2009-04-23T22:29:32Z

I ranted the other day about Zack, and how I felt like I sucked at relationship. But I found out that that totally isnt true.

Zack and I talked. Turned out I was afraid of things from my last relationship happening, and he was afraid of it too. I was afraid of getting hurt again and I was afraid of him not being honest with me, not telling me when he had problems, needed space, needed friend time, etc. And he was afraid of me being uber controlling and getting mad at hiim for wanting to see his friends. So basically, we had a miscommunication then led us both to an upsetting night, and a long and heartfelt talk tuesday, and then to an amazing date last night =D

Yes, a date. Dinner and a movie, Ice cream and candy. Holding hands and hugging and sneaking kisses in a dark movie theater. I felt like I was in high school again...please save the age jokes, I get enough of those at work :P

I just wanted to write all of this so I can read it and see how happy I am.

School is almost over...thank god. And even though I dont get much of a break, at least it will bring me another semester closer to culinary school and moving on into a place where I can hopefully flourish and belong.

I have alot I need to get done but Im feeling lazy. I should probably get started tho. I have a peer review to do, then some study guides, a take home final, some cleaning and organizing, and i need to buy food for my turtles and some milk and cereal for the morning. Plus I really want to come up with a nice surprise for Zack. Something cute, he needs flip flops desperately so I was thinking of getting him some braves flip flops :P Or just something nice. And I really want to have him meet my parents soon =D That way my mom and dad can match a face with the name...since I am pretty sure the name Zack...or Zak rather... brings up the image of long shaggy hair and freckles...haha

seesa78 @ 2009-04-20T23:18:00

2009-04-21T03:23:13Z

I think sometimes I am alwasy going to be annoyed and frustrated by how guys act...and how I cannot figure them out at all.

Zack is beyond sweet and stuff. Offering to bring over soup and ice cream cuz I'm sick and stuff. Saying he misses me and wants to hang out. So I rush through my homework like a mad woman because he made it sound like he was coming over within an hour. And here I am...an hour and a half later, because he wants friend time. I dont get it. All he had to do was tell me that, instead of asking me to hang out and causing me to rush through my homework. Now I feel like crap because I did alot of unnecessary rushing and now I'm sitting around, bored and wired on vanilla coke, with nothing in particular to do.

This is what annoys me. Lack of communication. If someone is straight forward and clear with me i can handle anything. But I get annoyed at little things like this. When i can relax with a book and not go from one assignment to another but take breaks in between. When I can play evenings with roommates or go rent a movie for myself and have alone time. But instead I make time and plans for people and then get ditched. Its not just Zack but its the world in general. If Zack had just told me what he wanted I would be started my second assignement now and would have made dinner in between the two huge hw things I did tonight.

Instead I bolted down a PBnJ and rushed and now its 11:20 and no one is home and nothing is on tv and I'm too stressed to go to sleep or read a book and I'm just plain crabby.

Why do I suck so bad at relationships? I feel like I'm an easy girlfriend...just don't play mind games with me and be honest. Sigh

seesa78 @ 2009-04-19T22:41:00

2009-04-20T02:48:13Z

Ok so I know I haven't written in almost a month. But my life has really taken a positive turn and I am so accustomed to bitching in here that it dawned on me that a happy entry would do me wonders...

At any rate, Zack asked me out. In the sweetest way possible. Totally cheesy but totally melted my heart. And since then he has not stopped surprising me...not with gifts but just with actions. Today he showed up at recital just to say hi to me. He didn't go because he had to work all night and needed some sleep, totally understandable. And so then, during intermission, I turn around to talk to those around me and he's standing right there, ready with a hug. Its so nice, because I feel like I can put in 50% and he puts in the other 50%. I'm just really happy

The only bad part is the age gap. Everyone who knows both of us well is happy, but anyone who only knows one of us is really perplexed as to why we would date given the four year difference...especiallly with me being older. But my reply to anyones questioning is....I've dated younger and I've dated older. And the biggest problem with many of my relationships was maturity and the goals for the relationship. I want commitment, someone that I can settle down with. This does not mean I expect rings and marriage...it just means I'm not going to date someone becaues they are hot, or I'm intereted in a hook up. I date people that I feel comfortalbe around, that I can talk to and be myself completely. I date people with the intent to work hard and keep the relationship going and healthy for as long as it can.

I have dated guys since Dan. Not official but dinner here, chatting and flirtting there. And with Zack things totally fell and hit me. Took me by surprise. I had decided to stop looking. I wanted to graduate, find and save and go to culinary school. Get a beagle and run a marathon. Check out Patrick Dempsey when I needed a romantic fix. Then Wing Knight happened....and apparently Zack started liking me then. He has told me, as well as his friends, that that very night he had been asking people if I was single, what I was like, etc. I've never had that happen to me...someone liking me that much without me knowing - being totally oblivious.

I didn't find out he liked me until Jenn's party in the begining of March. I myself knew I liked him one random day when he came into Subway. I didn't expect to see him and all of a sudden my heart started pounding and I got nervous. I'm making subs....what is there really to be nervous about? I know it sounds corny, but thats exactl what happened. I felt like an eighth grader on my first real date.

I haven't gotten butterflies since Dan. Not even when Joey asked me on a date...and I had really liked Joey before Dan and I dated. Not when I found out that Mario and Steve liked me (of which i had crushes on both at the times...much earlier in fall) - and here I was, getting all lightheaded over an 18 year old MC, who was a hardcore democrat and a ninja on top of it (frat family stuff....lol)

At any rate, eventually it came out that we liked eachother. And we talked it through, and took it slow. I confided in a few people, telling them how I felt, asking for advice - I was very leery and cautious because of the age....and the fact that I'm scared to death of getting hurt again.

And while alot of people still think I'm a crazy old cougar cradle robber.....I feel more complete and more happy now than I have in the past year. And my friendship with Dan...well if you can really call it a friendship, is improving. He talks to me a little more and i do the same. I think he finally realizes that I am totally over him. And I've realized that too. And now I'm just looking forward to the future.

Taking one day at a time. Hanging out one day at a time with Zack. Going to one class at a time, towards graduation in the next twenty years or so. And taking one breath at a time and savoring every moment =) Because it feels good to be happy again.

seesa78 @ 2009-03-26T16:16:00

2009-03-26T20:20:45Z

I'm a very impatient person...so waiting and lisa don't really go hand in hand

Like right now, I'm waiting for food lab to start. I have a TON to do tonight and I can't really start working on it till I get home...therefore food lab needs to start, so it can end, so I can get home and do my homework for english and finish my financial training course thing. Then funness can happen.

There are other things that get my patience too. Like waiting for secrets to come out into the open. Thats a fun one. And I have a secret. And its VERY hard to contain. Because it makes me so damn happy!

At any rate....someday.

But for now, I'm making h'dourves in a bit. Some apple dumpling things and two other canapes. I forget the description. I kinda hope we do sushi too...Cristina got to do it when she was in this lab. So cross your fingers/keys for me.

This weekend is jam packed with brother stuff Friday night and all day Saturday. Then Sunday this girl is road tripping home. Whoooooo. Just for the day...maybe I'll see Kimmy? Hopefully I can visit Meghan?

11 minutes till class. I GUESS I could put my lab coat on and mosey on over there. I guess....

Damn patience...I blame it on premature birth. And that is my fault, more than my Mom's, I suppose...

seesa78 @ 2009-03-20T13:09:00

2009-03-20T17:09:31Z

I'm pretty sure he's a fairy tale

seesa78 @ 2009-03-17T14:37:00

2009-03-17T18:52:46Z

Part 2: lol (for those of you just tuning in, I totally wrote the first half in the previous entry ;) just in case you love my life THAT much)

So Saturday was our day at Cozumel. We got off the boat pretty early and took a cab to downtown Cozumel where we all spent way too much money on souveniers and alcohol. I bought a handful of shot glasses, this Corona hat for myself, and an amazing handpainted margarita glass for my parents. We got shots at a Hardrock Cafe, paid for it in pesos (i just like the way that word sounds lol) and got to keep the shot glasses. Then we went to Senor Frogs and we all got the yard specialty drinks. Literally the cup is a yard long with a HUGE straw. I had this banana drink, it tasted like a smoothie =) I was pretty happy lol. Then we took a cab back to the shops immediately around the port and we went to another Senor Frogs...well it was called Senor Frog 1/2 and we got more drinnks and food there.

And this is where the PG13 part of my trip comes in. We were drinking and eating our food when this clown came around and made us all balloon hats. All the girls got flowers and the guys got these weird random things. And Paul got a penis put on his head. It was pretty disturbing. Then some girl came around and fed us all shots of Sex on the Beach...and basically violated us all in ways that can only be acceptable on a college spring break in mexico. Basically I had a girl shake my boobs...very weird. And definitely FURTHER solidified my liking of the MALE species only lol

After this all happened we went back to the ship to drop off what we had bought so far. Daniel, Paul, and I stayed on the ship and the others all went snorkling. I'm pretty sure Paul hit the sauna, Daniel took a nap, and I...well... I got sick. And not from drinking too much...I got sick because that first drink I had? In Senor Frogs? It was iced. So I think that whole "don't drink the water" in mexico hit me - and hit me hard. Either that or the food I ate at Senor Frogs 1/2. All I know is it was like projectile vomiting for about ten minutes of my life. But afterwards I felt totally fine. I brushed my teeth, took a nap, and totally hit the buffet line an hour later. It was great. Dinner was amazing too...and we heard an amazing Quartet that we all fell in love with that night. And I officially found my new favorite drink, a Flirtini. Champagne with grenadine, pineapple juice, and peach schnapps. Sooooooo good.

Oh and did I mention our state room guy was named Elvis? AND he gave us a free bottle of champagne our first night there? Totally random but it was part of the epicness and so needed to be added to the entry.

So that brings me to Sunday, the last full day on the cruise and another day at sea. I woke up at 6am and ran on the top deck, watching the sunrise. It was wonderful, totally beautiful. Paul was still awake from the night before, hi-5 to him. I took a nice hot shower, got breakfast in the dining room with Danny and Daniel and then laid out for a few hours. Then me and Cristina went and looked at all the formal pictures that were in the Gallery and then we found Jason and Paul and the four of us went rock climbing on the rock wall at the back of the ship. Yes, me, with my terrified-scared-of-heights mind climbed to the top (on the way easy level of course) and it was amazing.

And that night at dinner I hate 3 appetizers and 2 entrees. Plus wine, a kamikaze shot (thank you Daniel for that round) a cup of tea, and the most amazing Raspberry Panna Cotta (desert) ever!

All in all, the cruise was amazing...

..and being back on land isn't =P

seesa78 @ 2009-03-17T13:00:00

2009-03-17T17:16:35Z

So I have had, without a doubt, the best spring break of my life. No joke.

I worked my butt off the first half. That part was kinda eh, but I also pretty much had the house to myself. So I worked and then I did nothing. No homework, minimal cleaning and organizing, lots of tv, junk food, and random cooking - hooray for new recipes lol

I didn't get to go home at all the first half of break like I wanted to but I'm hoping to make a trip to Inverness sometime super soon...especially since Kimmy is coming to visit and that should be a good time! =)

Now do you want to know the REAL reason that my spring break was so epic? I went on the most fantastic cruise ever with some of my favorite people. Me, Cristina, Jason, Danny, Daniel, Paul and Michelle all went on a cruise to Cozumel, Mexico and the entire experience was great. So great, in fact, that I'm going to bubble on and on about it for the next few paragraphs - aka mini novel - so consider yourself warned :P

Everything from packing for the trip, to bouncing around in the car on the way to port, was fun. We all just had a good time from the get go. I didn't even make a list prior to packing - and we all know that I am the queen of making lists about my lists. The night before we set sail and I did all the hw I needed to get done, packed and took care of all the loose odds and ends that I needed to complete over the course of spring break...basically I stayed up till 4 in the morning doing all of this. Paul was over playing guitar hero in the next room so that made it VERY hard for me to concentrate lol. Plus Zack kept me company and made fun of my packing till like 2 am. haha...but overall it was a good evening.

Then I just laid on my bed and attempted to sleep but was way to excited. After my last horrendous cruise, I really had high expectations for this one. First off, this was my first non family cruise with 21 year olds...aka lots of bar time and drinking. I'm not an alcoholic or a crazy drinker but I do appreciate being able to have a cocktail or a frozen drink by the pool with the people around me. Plus I would be with all college kids which is sure to be a totally different experience than if you were with your parents on a vacation, as all my previous ones have been...

Anywho, the we all had a blast. The first day we left my Orlando around 10, drove to Jason's parents house in Tampa, and then they drove us to port. We got on the ship around 2 and explored, checked out our rooms, got some lunch, waiting for the lifeboat drill, unpacked, and watched the ship set sail. And took about 100 pictures....literally. I only took 45 or so but Cristina got like 300 and I know Danny and Michelle took a bunch too. After that we sat out for a bit and watched the sunset, then got ready for dinner.We were the late seating so dinner didn't happen until about 8:30 every night. But that just left us time to get a second lunch in between ;)

And then we experienced Sirus and Eva our waiters....Hilarious. I honestly cannot describe Sirus without the accent. Let me just say that he was able to make a bread basket the most entertaining thing ever. And thank god Eva didnt mind brining us ALOT of food because we all ordered 3 appetizers and 2 entrees a piece...no lie. We made sure to get our money's worth, let me put it that way. After dinner we pretty much all passed out, but overall it was a good time =)

The second day, Friday, was our first full day on the boat. We spent the whole day sailing. The water was this beautiful blue and the sun was shining and it was basically amazing. We got cocktails and laid out all day long...I got a killer tan =) So, so so nice. Shuffleboard happened here and there, and the hot tub was aMAZing. For reals. The day was our formal night so we all started getting ready pretty early. We got all dressed up and had formal pictures taken, then went to the captains cocktail party where I drank five glasses of champagne....yes I know. lol Then we had the best dinner ever...I basically am in love with steak and escargo haha. And on top of that champagne I had a glass or two of wine. This all resulted in a very drunk and sleepy Lisa - who totally passed out, still holding her wine glass, at the broadway show we had. Slept REALLY good that night =)

Ok this was part one, part two will have to come after classes =P

seesa78 @ 2009-03-12T02:50:00

2009-03-12T06:50:43Z

I'm falling for someone...
...thats all you need to know =)

seesa78 @ 2009-02-28T07:24:00

2009-02-28T12:25:44Z

so i woke up with one of those full days where you literally dont get a break from sunup to sunday. i had alot of homework due at midnight that night - stuff that i didnt procrastinate because i was out having fun, but left because the past week ive had midterms and other hw, etc. so then at breakfast i find out bright futures and florida prepaid have fun out and that my parents NEED me to graduate because they cant afford this. then they tell me stuff about moving back home as soon as i graduate...and this county, if i come back, will basically never let me leave. im hospitality major..this county has a holiday in and a handful of restaurants, the fanciest being an outback. there are cows and hicks all over the place. there would be no room for me to grow here and i just feel like if i come back here ill be stuck. then my dad was upset with me over money issues, turns out i have 5000 in savings when i thought and was led to believe i had 12000 - i was planning on using all of that to enroll in culinary school in the next couple of years and now that seems like a much bigger feat than it did a few days ago. then i went to my two doctors appointsments of the day and dealt with every idiot nurse in the world. normally i have all the sympathy in the world for nurses but this time it was beyond ridiculous. I waited much longer than necessary at both locations, people who came in after me were taken in before me. And it was annoying... The second doctor was the not so fun one if you are a girl and I waited two hours...Then during that appointment i mention something about not being able to breathe when i run so she does a few extra tests with pulse and heartbeat and finds those to be irregular. so she sends four tubes of blood to get tested for various thyroid conditions...this is in addition to the two tubes of blood the first appointment took to check for this vitamin b deficiency i have. so, basically, at 22 i have an irregular heartbeat, a possible thyroid condition which has a range of things....from not mattering much at all and only having to take a little medication, to being so serious that i could never have kids because of it...and am waiting to find out if the vitamin b deficiency is solved by vitamins or if there is something else. PLUS i gave up soda for lent and the lack of caffiiene is making me grumpy and giving me a huge headache. AND i got back to my house to work on homework at 6 instead of 3 something, like planned. And I needed to use the ask a librarian feature on ucf.edu...and UCF's closes down at 5 on fridays and Friday is the only day off that the FLORIDA librarian ask a question feautre is down... So I worked frantically from 6 to almost 12 getting my homework done...during which time i found out that my room for SED has a ridiculous amount of being in it... INCLUDING Dan AND Jenna...which really makes my day. I missed the meeting and just told Jenn Gillis and Cristina that I wanted to be with them. Jenna texted me and asked if she could be in my room and turnes out Dan wants to room with Jason...so guess who has to be the one who leaves the room she wants and be with someone else? like Dave Lykens room...or Chris Burke's room... It makes me not even want to go to SED anymore, honestly. So shoot me?

You can be my Punk Rock Princess

2009-02-25T06:06:13Z

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere,
Why have I never cared?

Chorus:
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah
yeah
yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

Chorus
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah
yeah
yeah

I've Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all along

Chorus (x2)
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah
yeah
yeah

I'm annoyed. I spend alot of time annoyed these days. Annoyed and confused and bubbly and upset. Seriously, I AM the definition of an emotional trainwreck thats disguised as a fluffy rainbow. And yes, I do mean that rainbows can be fluffy and stuffed animal life. Whatev...

I am annoyed becasue certain people walk all over me. I do my best to get things done for everyone when they need. Regardless if I like the person or not. I do it because its my job, as a brother, friend, acquaintance, person. Hell, I even get things done for people in my English class that I dont even know! And I just kinda wish that would be done for me. Like getting information about membership committee, but whatever. I realize that I'm going to have to just be a bitch to get anything accomplished. However, I'm a softy and an idiot when it comes to speaking my mind. I know Dan is going through a busy, rough time so I'm not telling him how annoyed I am that he didn't respond to my calendar, nor my numerous attempts at getting membership minutes or info. Its not my fault he picked a very inconvenient time for those of us that are on a different campus. Sigh. I'm frustrated cuz i watn to do the best I can for Paul. And I cant do that when I'm shoved aside, and when the favors I ask for are shoved under a hundred other things.

The thing is, a year ago at this time, Dan would have given me the info. It takes five minutes...less. Even a text in between classes or something. But because I'm the "ex" I matter alot less I suppose. Yet if he needs info from me I get it to him as soon as possible.

Whats wrong with me? Why do I let myself be walked all over by someone like that? He obviously doesn't care much about me. He rubs Jenna in my face, comes to my damn soccer game and ignores me, doesnt once ask me about my grandma or how i'm doing, doesnt try and talk to me ever about anything. AND this is all after his attempt to apologize for being a douchbag...after which I reassured him he wasnt being an ass and that i understood and forgave him

Guess that makes me the ass huh?

I'm stressed. I'm busy. My heart is broken. But I'm doing my best to move on. It just sucks getting these little setbacks

On a better note I visited Kimmy in Colorado. I miss her alot. I liked visiting. It made me feel really lonely tho. I want to be married, have a dog, be planning a life and a family. Instead I'm single. And my life plan doesnt really involve another guy ... at least not for a long time. He, whoever that prince charming may be, has to find me. As for what I"M looking for? Jobs, a nice place to live, and a beagle. Thats all I want .

But who am I kidding? I really want someone to love me... REALLY love me. Not just muttered words and broken promises but REAL love. And of course the dog, and the marriage, and all that jazz.

Dustin is going to be a Dad. And Kimmy is married in her own house. Zak is off in NY with a girl, living on his own and hes four years younger than me. Annemarie is having her second child. And I am jealous of them all. I know I shouldnt be, my life is its own and needs to take its own course. But damnit, I thought by now I would be in one of those positions...or at least steady with someone.

Guess dating dan was a mistake. It seems to have jacked me up good. Nah I take that back sorta. i could have dated alot between him and now. For reals. I guess I'm just scared? Or damaged goods? Faulty?

End rant. Cuz thats all that this is. A mindless rant to put some distance between me and my english homework. cuz no english class should be taken your fourth year of college... Baaaaaaad idea

And I think I am going to add writing a novel on my to do list. Along with the dog adn the chef hats

seesa78 @ 2009-02-02T08:26:00

2009-02-02T13:43:44Z

Another long week is starting now. At least I don't have too much due. Some english but thats it. And there are various odds and ends that I want to get accomplished but no sweat...just have to make sure I don't take too many naps today (like I did all weekend)

I really slept ALOT this weekend. Slept in, went to bed early, took naps. I slept more than I normally do in a week. I think my body just really needed the sleep to compensate for all that I put it through last week. This week is just going to be the ordinary hard: working 10:30-3:30 or 4:30 on Monday and Wendesday, School from 10:30 to 4:30 on Tuesday, and all the way till 7:30 on Thursday (but we are roasting and grilling stuff...peppers, lampchops and something else..yum), and Friday is class at 9, then prolly work at 1 followed by something special at 7ish. Which I just realized might be EXTREMELY difficult with the whole Subway working thing. I'm gonna have to be creative in how I dress up for this one.

I'm on the big list but I don't think I'm going to take a little. I just see everyone being compatible with others. Which is prolly good for me since I am broke and am saving up for that cruise/paying off that cruise that we just booked for March.

And speaking of littles, Dan apologized to me two nights ago online. He was sad so i messaged him to cheer him up and he apologized to me for not being a good friend and all of this stuff. He doesnt want awkwardness and he wants things to be better. But, iono. It made me feel all this relief but it also made me miss him more. I really do miss him sometimes. He said all this stuff abotu how he is going to make it better for tomorrow and about all this stuff that he learned about himself and whatnot. And I want to believe him, but I will after I see him actually trying to be friends again, you know?

And in the meantime I have to continue to work on totally being over him...because it is like a never ending battle with me. There has to be a REAL solution as to how to get over your first REAL love, you know?

He mentioned he lost the necklace I gave him and how sad it made him. And that made me really sad too. I remember buying it for him and being so excited about it. It was a key on a leather band. I told him it cheesily was the key to my heart. He continued to wear it after the breakup which used to make me hate it, but now I feel sad that its lost. I almost want to get him another but...

I dont know. Life is so confusing. I hung out with Joey, who would be a perfect person to get a crush on. But it just doesnt seem to happen that way. He even bought me drinks and stuff at applebees, and we had fun at that party we went to, but I just dont seem to get those feelings, even though they would be totally appropriate...

why is my heart so messed up? and crazy in the head...? you know what I mean

Anyway I should probably start getting dressed...eating breakfast...getting on the phone with stupid credit card companies. whoooo

seesa78 @ 2009-01-31T11:34:00

2009-01-31T16:39:59Z

Yesterday was formal degree at my house. I had a blast. I really love all of my brothers and the time we spend together. I also am SUPER excited for this upcoming class. All of the bids given out were people I already know and like alot...no guess games coming my way. I'm just really excited, hope alot of them return their bids, and that an awesome class is to come!

So today is full of nothing. I'm gonna try and hang out with Joey since I never get to see him. I might go to the womens basketball game tonight...not too sure yet. And tomorrow is going to be Grey's Anatomy funnness with Alex and maybe Jenn and Cristina, and cookies and pjs. Total epicness. =) I love how much I smile when I hang out with my girls! I also hope I get to see Ali this weekend a bit, I do plan on finally finishing her Christmas gift...yes I know, I'm a bit late. Le sigh

I have lots more to write about. My awesome cooking class. How much I like my groups this semester. How stoke I am for the cruise...in 40 days! But I think I might go lay down and sleep some more right now. So stay tuned!

seesa78 @ 2009-01-31T11:09:00

2009-01-31T16:34:31Z

DISCLAIMIER: This is NOT a sad and depressing entry like it seems. I am not sad and I am not miserable and I am not crying. I am just contemplating and bringing my saddness over Dan to an end...you will see]

So, school worked me over this week. Two papers, a presentation, and a test all on practically the same day (one due at midnight on wed, the rest on thursday at Rosen). It just about killed me. I didnt get any sleep at all, but at least now that its over I can have a relaxing weekend, full of nothing but sleeping, and reading Wuthering Heights, and going tanning (guilty pleasure) - and a little bit of cleaning since my house could really use it.

So I am still extremely broke...BUT I booked a crusie with some friends for part of spring break. Four days, three nights to Cozomel with Cristina, Jason, Danny, Daniel, Michelle, and Paul. It's gonna be amazing and I cannot wait! No one is bringing cell phones or laptops and I think I'm going to request that the name Dan Jones be taboo for those few days. Not that he really bothers me much anymore, its just that the cruise i went on with him over the summer was absolutely horrible and I want this one to be fun. And Dan has become an annoyance to me, in the sense that he continues to be EVERYWHERE and continues to pretend that i do not exist. He only acknowledges my presence when it is outwardly rude to pretend I'm invisible. And thats just fake.

He promised me we would be friends forever, but he has done NOTHING to be a friend to me since the breakup, minus one or two pathetic attempts at helping me out. Once when I was crying over microeconomics and how horrible I was doing and another because I confronted him over somg Big/Little issues that I was really upset bout. Now his actually HELPING me in those situations was really nice and effective, but the fact that he continued to not speak to me afterwards hurt, you know?

I cant help but feel duped completely. I remember two Christmases ago when I didn't want to date anyone at all and he guilt tripped me, tellingme he loved me and how he would never hurt me. And how we dated after he got mad at me for flirting with Kyle. How he broke up with me and send me into a summer of feeling sad and missing him, to only snatching me back up as soon as I was healed and ready for a good year solo. He then built me up to this feeling of security and love, built up my trust in that he would always be there and love me and never break up with me, to just crush my life and heart completely and with no remorse. I honestly doubt he even cared for a minute.

So part of me really is angry at him I think. Because he is ABSOLUTELY fine. And whereas I would never date him again, nor never let myself care about him, it still effects me. Not because of him and Jenna but because I can see and feel myself not trusting ANY guy whatsoever. I mean, I trust them as friends, but as soon as they flirt with me or act like they might want to date I totally shut them out of my life. And I feel sorta bad for that.

I realized all of this hardcore about two conversations. One online with Steve Gillis and another after a walk and talk with my friend from work John Birney. I had told Steve that I was taking myself off the market, not dating anymore, and just getting a beagle and loving that. And he asked me why I would advertise that when I really am lonely and would love to be in love again someday. And then, with John, I talked about Dan and I totally. He wanted the whole story and gave me his own story of him and his on again off again gf Nikki. And while talking to John I realized that I was able to give the whole story of all the good and the bad from Dan, only my heart did not flutter or ping. I didn't feel pain when I said of how Dan wouldn't hold my hand or hug me on the cruise. And I didn't really feel like smiling when I thought about his laugh and his mannerisms. Ok I did, but not nearly like I used to, and it wasnt wistfully miserable, just a little sad.

So those two conversations this past week have really put me in a pickle. Bottom line, I am terrified of loving again and getting hurt. I lost myself both times Dan and I broke up. Months of misery lasting longer than our actual time spent dating. Why? Because I have experienced REAL love. I think I felt this to a degree for Will...and I know Scott felt it for me and I really think if I had stayed with Scott I would have developed it had I been a little older, becaues I can sense it now. And by REAL love I mean I would DIE for that person. I would have died for Dan, no question about it. I woudl have given up EVERYTHING, moved to another country, learned to like zombie video games, anything. Hell, I played Super Smash Bros...and Kingdom of Hearts. I even contemplated learning and playing WoW for him...if only he had given me some hope at the time. I supported EVERYTHING of his, helped him in ANY way I could, even at my own expense. And every time I lookd at him I felt happiness, pride, and love...and thanked god for it.

So I think I'm just afraid of crushing, liking, loving, feeling, and REALY LOVING again. Because I'm afraid I'll be blind. I honestly didnt see the breakup with Dan, that EVERYONE else saw coming. I thoguht we were gonna make it. I thought we would get married. And so now I'm afraid of falling in love and then getting crushed again...not seeing a relationship ending and being taken by surprise.

Does any of this make sense. It does to me but for all I know it could be completely backwards to the real work lol

Ug, I'm tired of writing about this. Time for a new entry

seesa78 @ 2009-01-23T12:34:00

2009-01-23T17:34:44Z

Do you think Dan and Jenna could spend maybe one minute apart so that I dont have to CONSTANTLY see them together? I mean really, its old...

...sigh

seesa78 @ 2009-01-21T09:16:00

2009-01-21T14:28:41Z

I had tons and tons of fun at bowling yesterday. Honest to god, more fun that I have had in a long time. I laughed so much, bowled decently (a 100 and a 107) and didn't feel uncomfortable at all around the brotherhood - minus Dan of course but he just ignored me so I shook it off. I had other people NOT ignoring me and furthermore making me laugh so I concentrated on them instead of some stupid boy whose apparently really good at breaking hearts and being immature about it.

And because I can still be in a good mood after saying that, we know something good is happening to me.

I took a random, spontaneous trip with Michael to Daytona. It was alot of fun. I like doing random things that people don't expect. Like all those Tampa parties - NO I am not just going to hook up with a boy like some people seem to think...I am giong because I meet fun people who make me laugh. PLUS I really like huge parties, with crazy drunkenness and lots of loudness, beer pong, and people spilling drinks. I like those atmospheres, just like I really enjoy college bars, as disgusting as they may be. What can i say, its just me

So we lost volleyball again. I really wish our team would gel together more. Prolly my fault since I havent called a practice in a while. Maybe I'll try for this week. We play mario's team next week and they are REALLY good. I've played with them all summer so I know to watch out for Amanda's killer serves and the fact that Steve can get to almost any ball...ALL the time.

I am sad I won't be able to play soccer Thursday butttttt I'll be in my food lab instead so chances are I'm going to be a very happy Lisa anyway. But it would be fun to keep playing with the team, soccer makes me happy. And i miss spending time with Ali. Le sigh

I've missed the first two floor hockey games, which is killing me as well. Stupid massive amounts of homework and reading and assignments to do. I actually withdrew from a class already. Sucks cuz we have to pay for it but I just cant handle the entire load of classes plus working plus KKPsi. I am not the ways and means co-chair in ADDITION to the Treasurer. And we have a CFR visit next week. I have sooo much to do for all of that. So I had to withdraw the class and regain a little bit of my sanity, however little that may be.

So today I have work and then a massive list. I would type it here but it is currently written on my white board, in my notebook online, in my actual notebook, and on a scrap of paper. How bad is it that I need to COMPILE my lists before I can even do anything? lol. I gueeeeess I'd better get started now

Oh but before I go, things with the roomies are slowly getting better. We all talked it out and things have been getting better wtih Cristina. I hope it continues that way because I really have missed her a ton and I hate that I know that I have hurt her in the past and didn't really realize it at the time. but anyway, hopefully things will get better so that this household cheers up tons.

oh oh oh Disney on Sunday! and my parents want to visit that day too so maybe they can look at my car and find out why its squeaking, grinding, and grunting when i drive.....lol

seesa78 @ 2009-01-19T10:04:00

2009-01-19T15:29:10Z

So much shit keeps happening, I dont know what to do with it all. There are quite a few people right now that don't talk to me, avoid me, etc. And I dont know why. Dan and Cristina and Melissa and like everyone associated with them. And its really pissing me off. Its been going on a for a few weeks now and I really have no idea what i did to deserve it. Honestly

I really have been trying to be a good friend to them all. I'm not a jerk to Dan even though he really hurts me with his complete and utter lack of friendship. A year ago today he told me he would never break up with me, never hurt me, always love me. EVEN as he broke up with me he promised to always be my friend and that he would always love and care about me and blah blah. And ok sure, i KNOW he likes Jenna, but I dont really give a shit about that. What I care about is that he refuses to look at me or speak one word to me. Not even a nod hello or goodbye. It pisses me off so bad because of ALL that i have given up for him. When we dated I did so much for him. And even after we broke up, I have given up a TON of friendships for him. I have gone through complete changes in who i hang out with, in where i sit/stand in social situations, etc for him. I didnt go on retreat, I quit step team, I'm going conditional next semester. All of these are sacrifices I'm making for him because I cant deal with the uncomfort anymore. I cannt stand in the face of his lies anymore.

He honestly acts as if the air I breath is poison. And I think that looking at me alone turns his stomach. He avoids me like the plague. And he hasnt done that forever, just recently. And I dont think I did anything to merit it. I really dont, I have been acting like I alwasy do...It really pisses me off

And my roommate situation has made me so upest that i really dont know what to do. Its all so pathetic, a bunch of high school shit revolving and circling. I have been trying so hard to make everyone happy. WHENEVER someone looks sad I go to them and try and help. I dont talk behind peoples backs. I dont complain about them all (until yesterday I hadnt told anyone how upset I was). I go in my car to cry about things or to talk to my mom because i cant do it in this house for fear that someoen will hear.

I dont know how many times I have to say it. I DONT CARE if Mel and Cristina are close. I DONT CARE if theyare closer to eachother than to me. I DONT CARE if they go food shopping and tanning together. But I DO caerewhen I try and be friendly to them and they blow me off and treat me like a horrible person. I DO care when they don't return my texts and my verbal questions. I DO care when I feel invisble, and that I feel uncomfortable in my own house, and that I apparently have done something so wrong but am not told what or how to fix it.

I mean, if I have done sometihng wrong, just tell me. I will gladly accept it and correct it. And for weeks now i have been analyzing my entire attitude, second guesing myself and trying to figure otu what I have done. EVERY action that I have to commit, whether it is going to my room and closing the door for homework or going into the kitchen when someone is watching tv to make some dinner, is analyzed and thought through because I'm afraid of making someone mad. And thats nto fair to me.

I just miss them both. Horribly. I miss them all the time. Just like I miss Dan. I miss the way my life was. I lost it all and you would think I had committed some horrible mistake to deserve it but I dont know what it could have been. I was a good girlfriend, and I was a good friend. Sure I trash talk in here but like two people read it, I dont put it out for the entire world to read. And recently YES I have talked to a few friends about these issues and troubles. Because I need some support to keep me from going crazy

Mel yelled at me a few days ago. Straight out made me feel like shit and I cried for hours about it. I didnt do anything wrong, I defended Carolyn but I wasnt rude or mean about it. I told the truth. Carolyn tookd down decorations, knowing that Mel and Cristina wanted it done. She didnt do it to be spiteful, Caro did it because she wanted to do something nice for Mel and Cristina. She didnt want to have them do all the work. So she took stuff down and wrapped it all up neatly for them to separate among themselves. And they, well Mel at least, got mad at caro for it. Now they arent talking. Caro feels horrible and wont come out of her room when they are home. I tried talking to Mel to explain that Caro had been trying to do something nice and Mel came back at me and told me that I didnt contribute at all to our holiday party and that it had been her and Cristina doing it all and it made me feel horrible. Then her and Cristina left to go tanning. I felt so horrible

I have kept a secret from Cristina about Mel now. Mel asked me to. And it has made me uber uncomfortable. But I do it because Mel asked. She comes in my room to talk about her secret, or to ask favor, but but then she feels like she can completely hurt me?

So I went to Daytona with Michael the other night. I had a great time. We just went as two mutual friends. And mel texted me at three in the morning askign where i was. I called her, feeling like maybe she cared where I was and was worried about me.

Nope, she wanted to know if I had any condoms. And she went in my drawer and took them. Granted I dont need them, Dan had bought them and I dont want to think about shit like that. But she didnt even care that I was out in Daytona with a stranger (not to me but to her). No one cared. I could be abducted and raped and killed in an alley and she wouldnt notice or care as long as she got a condom for whatever reason she needed it.

So she hasnt talked to me since. I tried saying hi to them at Andrews footbll game party yesterday and they both gave me the usual one word answer with no eye contact. And Dan pretended I didnt exist. And Jason barely glanced my way. Either I smelled really bad, was particularly ugly, or they all hate me =(

And this is why I'm depressed guys. This is why I'm always miserable. This is why I cant get over my heartache with Dan. I dont have the support system at home that I need and deserve. I dont feel comfortable or happy at my own apartment. I find ways to get out of the house, and to just be away from them all. We have parties here where I have to watch Dan flirt with Jenna and none of them even care how much that rips my soul to shreds. It makes me want to just go in my room, curl up in a ball, and die. I'm not joking about that. No one cares how much is rubbed in my face, and my roommates do the rubbing.

Cristina wont talk to me at all at Rush but she will go on a paddle boat with Dan and laugh. Then she will tell me she cant choose between us as her two friends. Well look, honey, it seems to me you already have chosen. She wont get involved with my life at all. I liked scott and told her about it, but she wouldnt support it at all. She doesnt want to get involved. She doesnt want to hear about it when I get asked out on dates. Yet she tells me I can go to her with anything

If she were truely my friend wouldnt she WANT to see me getting past dan and hanging out with other guys?

I feel so alone. I really do. I cry all the time, every day. I dont miss Dan anymore, but I resent how much my life has changed since he dumped me. All my friends HAVE chosen between us. They might not mean to but they have. I reset how he ignores me and breaks his promises and how utterly stupid he is. I hate him for this all

I feel so alone =(